#queer women have played such an integral role in my life in a very personal sense

[rolandkaros]

oh the incredibly complex and reverent relationship between a trans man and lesbianism

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Light Novel Review — I'm in Love with the Villainess

A stunningly profound, entertaining, and queer title that eclipses other isekai and Yuri series

There are few titles the general public seems to be as excited about as Inori and Hanagata's I'm in Love with the Villainess, as it has been sitting at or near the top of Amazon's LGBT Manga list for months and Twitter is consistently abuzz with the latest news on this isekai Yuri series. I was somewhat more skeptical, as I have had relatively poor experiences with isekai and fantasy Yuri. Still, my excitement went through the room, and I eagerly boarded the "hype train" upon the cover reveal for the third volume. Yuri families, where two women raise children together, are one of my greatest desires and something I rarely see portrayed in the genre. However, I still had mostly low expectations for the series going into the first volume. I looked forward to some light meandering comedy and typical boring trope-filled isekai shenanigans. However, I'm in Love with the Villainess more than exceeded my expectations. No, even this statement is far too moderate to describe how utterly stunned and blown away I was by Inori's creation. I'm in Love with the Villainess is completely shattering and easily one of the greatest light novels I have ever read. Thus, I have no choice to award a perfect 10/10 score, my first ever for a light novel.

After waking up in the world of her favorite otome game, Revolution, protagonist Rae is ecstatic to be faced to face with Claire Francois, the game's villainous rival. However, Rae never played Revolution for the thrill of romancing any of the three attractive young princes. She was always in love with Claire. She attends the academy and studies magic in the fantasy world alongside Claire, the princes, and various other supporting characters. Using her skills from the modern world and her encyclopedic knowledge of Revolution, Rae manipulates the situation to be close to Claire, becoming her maid, and garnering status and money along the way. As an inevitable conflict looms closer, Rea begins to enact plans to protect herself and Claire, many of which are not fully understood or explained until the finale fantastically reveals the reasons for her actions. There is a natural and steady pace to the narrative that awards readers’  predictions and attention to detail.

I'm in Love with the Villainess has some excellent supporting characters, all of whom have unique personalities, histories, and abilities, some of which are revealed by Rae's exposition and others naturally throughout the novel. However, the stars of the show are the central couple, Rae and Claire. Claire is an elite aristocrat and extremely bratty. She often sneers at commoners and makes her disdain of Rae very clear from early on. On paper, she sounds like the perfect villain and someone all readers would despise. However, Rae's utter devotion and infatuation with Claire is so sincere that we cannot help but be pulled in and adore Claire and all her tantrums. Rae is a delight herself, continually flirting and poking fun at Claire, which gets her verbally berated, much to her masochistic pleasure. However, she is also exceptionally cunning and intelligent, and some of the light novel's greatest joys are listening to her analyze a situation or watching one of her plans fall into place.

“Ah, I’m… Well, it doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s irrelevant to cuteness—because, Miss Claire, you are cute.” “Huh?!” She pulled away. It was perfect—such a pure reaction. “Miss Claire, you hate me, right?” “Of course!” “That’s fine. Please keep teasing me. I love it.”

The beginning of the book does not immediately clue one into its brilliance. Sure, Claire and Rea get some great one-liners as they bully each other, and the scenarios are authentic and fun, but it is nothing shattering. I was feeling pretty relaxed and having a lot of fun with the characters, their relationship, and the various slice-of-life style scenarios they encountered until one section, I remember the exact page, 81, as it stopped me dead in my tracks. I was flabbergasted and briefly frozen before shooting up out of bed, shouting expletives as I ran to my office to immediately record what I had just experienced. It all begins with the line, "Hey, Rae. Are you what they call gay?" What followed was one of the most thoughtful, condensed, informative, and nuanced discussions of gay and queer identity (both terms used in this scene) I have ever seen in Yuri. Everything from representation in media, the perceptions of and prejudices against gay people, and the role gender plays in romance for bisexual and gay people are analyzed. Its commentary is succinct yet so respectful and forthright that it could have only come from genuine experience, thus selling the book and its characters so much more.

"Queer people were still overwhelmingly closeted in this world, which was rife with prejudice and nurtured little understanding. As I noted, the queer people depicted in the story were either the sex fiends Claire imagined or the free-loving sort Lene had in mind. Diversity and acceptance were a long way off.”

Thus, Inori's writing's beauty exposed itself, and the book opened itself up to a delightful cycle. The narrative masterfully integrates isekai slice-of-life hijinks, like running a cross-dressing café or battling a giant slime with nuanced and challenging moments that dissect complicated topics. The latter mainly consists of a growing rift between the aristocracy and common people, mirroring real-world wealth gap issues, but the novel also touch on matters such as unequal prison sentencing and segregation. Every scene helped further the complexity of the characters and their relationships or else built onto the world of Revolution. Speaking of which, I'm in Love with the Villainess has some of the best worldbuilding ever seen in a light novel.

Initially, brief exposition establishes much of the world, which is adequate if not exciting. I will mark up to a casualty of the light novel's serialized nature, as it must present readers its setting immediately. However, Inori does not stop here. Through the narrative, new elements are established, such as a magic system and the kingdom's politics. Rea notes and describes how the world, while clearly based on medieval Europe, has many modern Japanese attributes, as Japanese game developers created it. Her pointing out the intersection of the two is fascinating. Furthermore, A great deal of time is spent establishing characters and organizations all have their own wants, agendas, and methods, many of which are not even directly involved with the story. Instead, they act as a background and help further contextualize others. For example, the Church publicly appears to lean towards supporting the commoners in their efforts for equality but has its own agenda of superseding the nobility. While they play little role in Rea and Claire’s adventure, they are one of numerous factors contributing to the unrest of the lower class. All these additions are interesting, and it never feels like the story or characters suffer for their inclusion, quite the opposite.

“The Bauer Kingdom had started a step behind other countries when it came to magical research. They dominated the surrounding countries in military strength, and this had made them complacent, leading them to underestimate the value of new magic technology until the best researchers had all been enticed to other countries. Even after the king came up with his magic-focused meritocratic policy, Bauer lagged behind.”

I can only make complaints by scraping the very bottom of the barrel. Hanagata's beautiful art is too infrequent to add much to the light novel, and many scenes crying for illustrations are left to the readers' imagination. However, Inori so wonderful writes the story that one hardly cares and can easily picture every moment with delight. Besides, the manga adaption will nullify this issue. Where I cannot complain at all is the spectacular translation by Jenn Yamazaki and Nibedita Sen, one of Seven Seas best (which is high praise considering the competition). Sure, I was slightly disappointed at first to see the adaptation left off honorifics, but the more I thought about the setting, the more sense it made. I am sure people much smarter than I gave the issue much more consideration, and I am happy with their decisions.

I'm in Love with the Villainess left me reeling with how pleasurable and powerful it was. The story and characters are such a joy, and I cannot wait to see Rea and Claire bully each other again in the next volume. Astounding worldbuilding and powerful, thought-provoking politics surround their antics and the high stakes plot. Every moment of their journey will enthrall readers as they squeal with glee at its hilarious set pieces or are shocked by its commentary of society's most significant challenges. Inori has created one of the most delightful, heartfelt, complex, profound, and genuinely queer light novel series ever. If you only read one thing I recommend this year, let it be I'm in Love with the Villainess.

Ratings: Story — 9 Characters — 10 Art — 5 LGBTQ — 10 Sexual Content — 2 Final — 10

Review copy provided by Seven Seas Entertainment

Purchase I’m in Love with the Villainess in digitally (9/23) and in print (11/10) today: https://amzn.to/32NEyG1

Supports creators by purchasing official releases.

[angrycowboy]

I've been trying to sort thru my feelings on this messy CW show about alien cowboys that I adore so much. Fair warning, this is literally just my ranting and my thoughts on Malex and Miluca as I try to work through them.

Post-season finale there have been a bunch of interviews with Carina. But there is one that stuck out to me. In it, Carina talked about not falling into harmful stereotypes regarding queer characters, but also making sure to make those characters flawed and human. And in regards to Michael and Alex, as well as Isobel, I believe she has truly suceeded. RNM has three queer main characters with different life experiences, that make them relatable in different ways, and are nuanced enough that no one person is ever going to relate 100% to them. And that part of the show makes my queer heart so fucking happy.

This of course got me thinking about and talking to others about harmful stereotypes surrounding black characters, and in the case of RNM - black women. Because where RNM succeeds with it's queer characters, it fails with Maria DeLuca. The show, I believe, had a great opportunity to take the stereotypical "strong black woman" trope and turn it on it's head. And for almost two seasons, it seemed like it could very well head in that direction. Specifically when the show introduced the idea of "Maria DeLuca is her own savior" in 1x09.

I am definitely all for the idea of needing characters to grow, and learn, but the execution here was bad. Mainly because of the uneven attention paid to Malex vs Maria, and by extension, her relationship with Michael. Because it's important to remember that just because Miluca was a straight-passing ship, that does not make it "just another m/f relationship." Not when Michael is a bisexual man, and Maria is a black woman. And asking that Miluca (or even any relationship Maria enters into) be given the same depth shouldn't be a controversial statement that puts people on the defensive. Fans should not have to constantly demand better treatment of the show's only black character. Making Maria half-alien should make her integral to the plot, and we should have seen her alongside Michael, Alex, and Isobel as they went about discovering their shared family history. Instead, it’s felt like the show has dragged it’s feet in including Maria into the main plot. 

Given the uneven pacing of the show, which leaves less room to develop it's character beats, you do have to pay a little bit more attention to truly get at the depth of the relationships between characters on the show. And make no mistake, Miluca had build up, and Michael has genuine feelings for her. But the show failed in several places with them. To make it believable that Miluca was more than just a stepping stone for Michael, Miluca should have been given more emotional beats the same way Malex is built up. Because now the show has played into the stereotype that the black woman is nothing more than a helping hand.

One thing that the show could have done differently was the handling of the Miluca break-up. Some knew it was coming, specifically because of Carina's loud support for Malex (something also understandable at the same time as a relationship she created), but it directly conflicted interviews where fans should see Miluca as it's own relationship separate from Malex. How do viewers and fans do that when 2x13 ended with showing that Miluca was in service to Malex all along? You can't. It's made worse by removing Maria as a love interest and not giving any inclination that she'll have another any time soon. Because while there is a popular idea that the aliens imprint (something that we see with Nora/Tripp, Louise/Bronson, Max/Liz, and Michael/Alex), we've also been told that Isobel is getting another love interest in her arc, and it can be assumed that Isobel will eventually find her "person" in the same way. So the question remains is, given Maria is now established as half-alien, does this aspect apply to her? Because it's a bad look if it doesn't. And so far, the show has given no indication that Maria, Mimi, and Patricia have existed for any reason other than to be in service of white characters.

I've watched a lot of bad shows over the years, and I am still constantly frustrated by some portrayals of queer characters in the media, but as a white woman, I have no idea what it is like to be a black woman (to say nothing of black queer women) who constantly sees black female characters relegated to nothing more than a stereotype, as well as to deal with fandom racism when they dare speak up for better writing, and better representation of themselves in media. It is understandable to me, why so many Maria/Miluca fans have left the fandom, or stopped watching the show completely. Black fans should not have to constantly settle for mediocre portrayals of themselves in media. And more people need to speak up and understand why these stereotypes that are rooted in systemic racism continue to exist so that change can happen.

The Malex fandom also needs to acknowledge it’s role in this as well. It’s hypocritical to blame it all on the writing, and then constantly engage in ship wars - particularly when the argument then centers around understanding which couple is “endgame” or that Michael & Maria are “better as friends.” Because if fans of the “endgame” ship are certain, there should be absolutely no need to attack, harass, or even engage with, fans of a different ship. And in the case of Malex and Miluca, Malex fans should never have been resorting to the degrading racist insults that were constantly thrown around because Maria was being seen as a threat to a “queer ship.” Insults that also sought to erase Michael’s established bisexuality because Maria is a woman. (Sidenote: I’m mostly referring to tumblr here, as I don’t really pay attention to fandom on twitter/FB/IG.)

[aion-rsa]

Batwoman Season 2 Episode 1 Review: What Happened to Kate Kane?

https://www.denofgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/batwoman-new-costume-changes.png?resize=400%2C400

This Batwoman review contains spoilers for Season 2, Episode 1.

Batwoman Season 2, Episode 1

The freshman season of Batwoman made for a perfectly fine show with a serviceable story and people who undoubtedly can act, but inexplicably chose not to. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t exactly good either, existing in some kind of nebulous, mediocre middle ground that can be a dangerous place for series to linger too long in the era of peak TV. Still, The CW show put a queer female superhero on our television screens every week, which somehow still feel progressive despite the fact that gay people were invented centuries ago. Then, Kate Kane (Ruby Rose) donned a modified and bewigged batsuit and rose to folk hero status as Batwoman in Berlanti’s vision of Gotham City. Now, Ryan Wilder (Javicia Leslie) is stepping into her bulletproof boots, and facing off with new and familiar foes.

Ruby Rose announced her departure from Batwoman after the end of season one, which left the show’s writers with a challenge, and more than a few loose ends. Fortunately—or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it—Kate’s presumed death in a plane crash at the top of this episode wraps up her story quite succinctly. It is surprisingly easy for the writers to make room for a new lead without disrupting the larger narrative in any substantial way. This should be upsetting, Kate should feel more integral to the show, but I wasn’t very invested in her, and it seems neither was the plot.

In the inadvertent season one finale, Kate’s dad and leader of the Crows pretended to ally with Batwoman, but pulled the okey doke and tried to capture or kill her instead. Sadly, we won’t get to see this family drama play out, but there is still storytelling potential in Jacob discovering the truth about Kate and reckoning with what that means now that she’s gone. (It’ll be interesting to see how they play the Crows vs. Batwoman dynamic now that the woman behind the cowl is Black.) With Kate’s death, Alice’s plan for familial revenge is ruined. She gave Tommy Elliot Bruce’s face so he could procure kryptonite for her that she would then give to Jacob, who would kill Batwoman, presumably before realizing she is his daughter. As revenge plots go, it is brilliant. Unfortunately, as we learn at the end of the episode, Safiyah beat Alice to the punch by taking down the plane. Now, Alice has a new nemesis, and we have a new Batwoman.

Kate’s plane crashes near where Ryan is parked in the van she lives in. She examines the wreckage, saves someone with CPR, and finds the Batsuit. She immediately has plans for what she’s going to do with that newfound power, and she wastes no time getting after it. We learn pretty much everything about Ryan Wilder—through flashbacks, google searches, and the obligatory CW superhero monologue. Ryan’s birth mom died in childbirth and her dad wasn’t around. She was raised in the system, where she got into trouble, until she was adopted, and turned her life around. She and her mom moved to a nice(r) apartment, but squatters attacked them, and her mom died. Later, she was framed and convicted for drug possession with intent and incarcerated for 18 months. She can’t find work because of her record and she can’t pay her court fees because she can’t find a job, and she lives in a van.

*deep, heavy, negro spiritual sigh* This is where I digress …

Ryan Wilder is damn near a full board on the trauma bingo, and doesn’t even need the free space. My excitement when Javicia’s Leslie was cast was immediately dampened by my concern with how she would be introduced to the audience. The character bio they attached to the announcement did not assuage my fear that the Black, queer superhero would be reduced to overcoming a tough childhood or a “troubled” past. It felt inevitable, yet I was disappointed to be right. Still, I reserved judgement til I could see for myself how those choices shape the character.

Bruce Wayne and Kate Kane are rich, privileged, white folks whose problems will never threaten their comfort or security. Ryan Wilder comes from poverty and violence, and is an extreme departure from her vigilante counterparts. On the one hand, it feels more apt for someone to wear the suit who has lived in the Gotham that the Waynes And Kanes of the world can ignore from their penthouses. On the other, Black women can have trust funds, too.

All I’m saying is, choices were made. And this episode leans into the worst of those choices, when we flash back to the death of Ryan’s adoptive mom multiple times throughout. It isn’t the most violent death, and it is an effective tool for telling this particular story. We can immediately empathize with Ryan because we know what she’s been through and what she’s lost, but there are ways to motivate her that don’t require her trauma being played on a loop in her own head and on our screens. But I won’t dwell on this if the show won’t—and I hope they won’t—but writers need to examine why they assign certain attributes to characters when they are portrayed by certain people. Is all I’m saying.

Ryan suits up and seeks out leads on the people responsible for her mother’s murder, which just so happens to be the Wonderland gang, and Alice. This opens the door for an exciting rivalry, with both parties bringing an entirely different energy. Alice was a cute villain but her connection to Kate meant that there was a limit to how far she would go. She had many opportunities to kill her sister, and didn’t, so her threats became somewhat hollow even though she did a lot of other damage. This season, though, Kate is gone and Alice has neither her, nor Mouse, to keep her grounded. Alice unbound could be very fun, and with the way her story intersects with Ryan’s, there’s a lot of potential for conflict and some really great showdowns. Bring in Safiyah, who also has Julia Pennyworth on her shit list, and it’s a regular ruckus.

Read more

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How Batwoman Season 2’s Batsuit Improves on the Original

By Kayti Burt

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What I enjoy most about this episode is how seamlessly Ryan is pulled into the existing narrative, and how comfortable Leslie looks in the role. Leslie doesn’t feel like a replacement; she feels like a correction. Ryan is more fun to watch, and has a bit more chemistry with Mary and Luke. She’s also queer and Sophie is out of the closet, and I’d be very happy to see a healthy Black queer couple, though shipping is not the point. I’m already more invested in Ryan than I ever was with Kate. That will not be the universal experience, but Julia Pennyworth is still there if you need badass sapphic white girl representation.

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Ryan wants justice and she, for the first time, has the power to obtain some version of it. But she’s a hero, or will be, and ultimately decides that the suit and what it represents is bigger than her and her personal vendettas. She’s someone worth rooting for, and I am ready to see what she has to offer. There is so much potential for compelling storytelling, and I am hesitant but hopeful that this season of Batwoman will deliver.

The post Batwoman Season 2 Episode 1 Review: What Happened to Kate Kane? appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/39L00hr

[hooded-deity]

A guide to LGBTQ period dramas

I Love Period Dramas. If people are in period costume and there's some semblance of good writing I will watch it. Unfortunately that means I've seen plenty of terribly straight tv shows through to the end. So if you're in the mood for a more queer trip to the past, at least someone can benefit from my obsession, here’s my list of favorites.

Black Sails (1700s)

Black Sails is something of a prequel to the story of Treasure Island. It follows a handful of characters, historical and fictional, as they try to get rich and stay alive in the golden age of piracy. There’s betrayal, secrecy, sordid affairs, and bad ass speeches by terrible people you can’t help but love.

Black Sails is one of the gold star shows on this list. Not only does it feature four main queer characters but queer issues are also deeply woven into the fiber of Black Sails philosophy of freedom. The show starts out lighter on these themes, but later seasons clearly understand the “queer people flock together” rule, I won’t spoil who, since its actually quite a nice surprise if you don’t see it coming, and it adds new layers when rewatching the show.

4 seasons, Completed. Hulu

Harlots (1700s)

Harlots follows a hand full of women earning their livelihood in the oldest profession on the streets of London. Rival madams go to war while their girls must deal with the fallout. Dotted with colorful characters and some seriously corsetry.

Harlots is another gold star show that ages like fine wine, jumping from two and a half to six confirmed queer characters from season one to two. Harlots runs the gamut of wlw relationships, from passionate young love to unrequited pining to... “friends”. Harlots makes eye contact with those who say “Queer people didn’t exist back then!” and replies with a simple, “Fuck you”

Warning for sexual assault

2 seasons, ongoing. Hulu

Anne with an E (1900s)

Anne with an E  (Anne in Canada) is the familiar story of a slightly odd orphan taken in by a pair of siblings on their family farm, learning about family and friendship as she was never able before. This new iteration of the story of Green Gables takes a more modern and mature approach, weaving discussions of growing up, trauma, bullying, racism and homophobia, into a joyful and imaginative celebration of life. Somehow these themes are balanced out and the serious never drowns out the childish glee.

Improving in the second season seems to be a theme with historical shows. The first season of Anne with an E features only one queer character in a side role, but season two took criticism for lack of poc and lgbt stories and integrates new characters in order to better encompass these things.

2 seasons, ongoing. Netflix

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1910s)

Based on a 1960s novel, Picnic at Hanging Rock is more surreal than anything else on this list. Three school girls and their teacher go missing on a picnic, throughout the search we are treated to a vaguely trippy analysis of the bonds society places on people. This show is an... interesting watch, but if you're into the philosophical and experimental it might be up your ally.

Picnic at Hanging Rock twists its queer themes with it feminist themes and these things are very much at the core of the story. Like Anne it also ties in new characters that didn't exist in the novel in order to modernize.

Warning for suicide and self harm

1 season, completed. Amazon 

The Crown (1940s+)

The Crown follows the life and reign of Queen Elizabeth II, royal intrigue and drama abound. This one's a bit on the slow side for me, but the production value is huge and the production design is gorgeous.

The Crown falls low on my list, due to really only having one queer character so far, but it is all based on historical people, so I can't complain too much.

2 seasons, ongoing. Netflix

The Man In The High Castle (alternate 1960s)

The Man In The High Castle is based off a novel by Phillip K Dick. It takes place in an alternate world where the Axis powers won WW2 and America has been split up between Japan and Germany. Characters on both sides of the Rockies work against the horrifying regime and try to learn more about strange films depicting alternate histories to the ones they know.

TMITHC is another show that waited until later seasons to bring in queer characters which I think is unfortunate considering how well it aligns with the shows themes. But better late than never, a few secondary characters are given queer story lines and hopefully the last season will include more.

Warning for Nazi imagery obviously

3 seasons, one left. Amazon

Mindhunter (1970s)

Mindhunter is a pseudo historic re-imagining of the founding of the FBIs Behavioral Sciences Unit. The show follows the young FBI agent Holden Ford as he learns about (and from) various serial killers in the hopes that those insights might help catch others in the future.

Mindhunter features one queer main character and unfortunately doesn't focus much on their personal life, though I'm hopeful for future seasons.

1 season, ongoing. Netflix

Honorable Mention for The Handmaiden, though its not a show it is a incredible queer thriller set in 1930s Korea.

Other shows of interest I've been recommended that I haven't seen and so can't personally vouch for (yet)

Versailles (1600s), main queer couple

Call the Midwife (1950s), queer characters in later seasons

Penny Dreadful (1800s), main queer characters, but also a trans character played by a cis actor so :/

Shows I recommend avoiding for poor treatment of LGBT characters,

The Terror (queer villains, bury your gays), Frontier (queer villains, bury your gays), Ripper Street (bury your gays, trans character played by a cis actor)

[blissfullyinfatuated]

1-85 😈

You’re a real one who understands the quarantine struggles so Thank youuu 😰🥰🥰

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

“Looks” = subjective. So go off! Attraction is important for me. For some, that may be directly proportional to looks, or some attributes - attributes for me + VIBES

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

I want a break but yes, for development

3. Virgin?

No

4. Relationship?

Single, but seeing someone

5. In love?

Pass

6. Single this year?

The year just started so as of right now, yes

7. Can you commit to one person?

I’m open to open relationships and polygamy, but my core is monogamy b/c I want one equal ultimately

8. Answered

9. Answered

10. Love at first sight?

Only passionate love

11. Want to get married?

Yes

12. Answered

13. Answered

14. Crush on anyone?

I like but nothing like a “exciting crush”. I’ve lost a lot of my passion idkkkk

1. Piercings?

Yes

15. Tattoos?

Yes

16. Do you like kissing in public?

Not really but depends

20. Do you shower everyday?

Yes. Privilege! It’s refreshing and a reason to get me out of bed on low days

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Yes

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Sure? No? I don’t think these things 🥴

23. Do you think you can last a relationship of 6 months and not cheat?

Yes

24. Do you think that you’ll be married in the next 5 years?

At 27? Hopefully dating someone

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

Right now, the answer is no

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes

27. Has anyone ever written a song or a poem about you?

A very honest poem. Shoutout to one of my exes who’s in a beautiful relationship today <3

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

None that I know of

29. Have you ever cheated?

Yes

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

No. I grew up really insecure but I knew that I wouldn’t have the means to change everything about my physicality, and now idk I just accept them - God made me this way!

32. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Both, yes. I’m tired of crying 😅

33. Sex with a man?

Yes

34. Sex with a woman?

Oh yes

35. Kissed someone older than you?

Yes

36. Liked on of your best friends?

When I was younger. Idk it’s kinda always been my friends are my friends

37. Like someone your friends hated?

Yes. My relationships are separate from theirs and they trusted me to have integrity towards them

38. Liked someone you didn’t expect to?

All the time!

39. Wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Often :/ I feel like life never aligns

40. Written a song or poem about someone?

That’s how I’ve gotten over my exes. I have

41. Sex this year So far?

Si

42. How long can you just kiss until your head starts to wonder?

Depends hahaha

43. Longest relationship?

Couple of months to a year. I count one as a year

44. How many bfs/gfs have you had?

I count 2

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

One. I was dating someone during that time

46. How many times have you had sex last year?

Pass

47. Age?

21

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

“Okay. I hope that they are a good person who treats you well. Thank you for your honesty”. Gotta be happy for others! It’s life

49. If you have bf/gf...?

N/A

50. If your true love knocked on your door with apologies and presents, would you accept?

I kinda already forgave/accepted. Idk if I’ll accept presents though. But I’d rather just talk it out, like every moment

51. Is there a boy/girl that you’d do absolutely everything for?

As much as I have love, no. I have to do that for myself first :/

52. Anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

I guess & because I cannot go through hurting anymore

53. Is someone mad bc of the person that you are with?

Nope but I’ve had that happen before and the people who love me (friends & fam) are right

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Of course

55. Share a relationship story.

I can’t think of any :/ but some of my fave things to do are car rides on the freeway with great music

56. 8 facts about your body

Tattoos, piercings, melanin, beauty marks, soft, toe surgery, leg hair, double jointed

57. Things you want to say to your ex?

I can just DM her 😅

58. 5 ways to win your heart?

Be a gentleman. Be passionate/strive to be better and be ambitious. Do your own thing/be your own person. Food. Good qualities (honesty). Listen to me

59. What do you look like?



Yikes haha

60. Biggest age gap between me and any partners?

Lol probably 3 years

61. First thing you notice in someone?

Their hair and eyebrows

62. sexiest thing someone could ever do for you?

Dress up 😅😍

63. Your definition of having sex?

Any basic definition. Making love is different

64. Definition of cheating?

From Entertaining to physical/emotional betrayal

65. Favourite foreplay routine?

On me? Chest kisses

66. favourite role play?

Depends on the person 🤓😎

67. Idea of a perfect date?

Idk why I always imagine a beach when I get asked this

68. Sexual orientation?

No labels but if I had to, queer/pansexual. Preference towards women

69. Turn offs?

I mean hygiene is a big one when the person has the means, but also people who loaf. Also boring ppl (who don’t have an outlet or a hobby)

70. Turn ons?

Qualities. Someone who takes care of themselves in and out. Who does their own thing and who owns who they are

71. Kinkiest wet dream?

I actually don’t have wet dreams 🥴

72. Words you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk and degrading

73. Something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Acts of service help me so much, such as bringing me lunch for instance or picking me up. Super sweet

74. Most superficial characteristic you look for?

Curly hair lol

75. Sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Either won me my fave stuffed animal at the cne, Valentine’s Day: I missed Chinese New Years so she made a whole menu & brought recipes for us to make the food on vday!! && sending me earrings that I’ve wanted through the mail, && lavender through the mail bc i couldn’t sleep. && gotten a diffuser and some oils. I’ve dated really great girls & have great friends

76. Sweetest thing you’ve ever done for anyone?

Probably drive miles for them or picked them up or something. I feel like I’m so bland ahh

77. Opinion on age differences in relationships?

As long as it isn’t predatory (like the older person always seeks the same young thing) and they’re at least in their twenties, go off

78. Your dirtiest secret?

Probably #8 answered the first time. Everything is in the grey area

79. Last time you felt jealous?

Omg it was crazy!! And I felt threatened but in January 😅

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

My friend last night <3

81. 5 people you find attractive?

D & Ummm I guess the coat check girl at lavish LOL. I can’t think of any. I’m v not passionate lately

82. Last person you hugged?

D 🥰

83. Who was your first kiss with?

Stephanie

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

If I get into this I might cry, but it was for the better!

85. Would you ever date someone off the internet?

I mean isn’t this how dating works these days?

Successfully done before my online philosophy lecture 🥰🥰🥰😘

[agameofme]

Hiraeth

There’s writing that you have to do--as in, you’re obligated to do it--and then there’s writing that you need to do, as in, it’s just sitting there inside you, weighing you down, gnawing at the inner walls of your mind, needing to be expunged so you can do the writing that you have to do.

This is writing that I need to do so that I can get back to the writing that I have to do.

On a recent afternoon I got off BART at the stop near my home and there were Girl Scouts outside at a little table, selling cookies. In an instant an entire scenario played out in my head. I walked up to them, smiling, expressing enthusiasm about getting to buy some cookies, maybe making a comment about how much we all love Thin Mints, though I bet they hear that all the time. I bought a few boxes, wished them well, and went on my way. But none of this actually happened. Instead I just turned away and started walking toward my apartment. Reason being that I figured if I did, in actuality, approach them with the intent of buying cookies, the fact of my obvious transness might, perchance, have made one of the girls noticeably uncomfortable, or perhaps a parent of one of the girls, and I would pick up on this and then I would feel uncomfortable for having made them uncomfortable, and then the whole exchange would be tinged with awkwardness, and I’d just want to end it as quickly as possible to relieve their discomfort at me and my discomfort at their discomfort, and I’d walk away regretting that I’d put any of us through that. Of course I realize that there’s a chance that these particular young people and their present parents are perfectly comfortable around trans people, that there’d be no fleeting “How do I explain this to my daughter later?” flicker across a mother’s face, no girl hesitating awkwardly, caught in a moment of uncertainty about how to address me. But I can’t know for sure, and so even if I tried to approach the situation with the casual, carefree attitude that I wanted to, the fear of the possibility of things becoming awkward would be rattling around in me so loudly that I couldn’t hide it, and my fear of potential awkwardness would awkwardly poison the whole interaction regardless.

This happens all the time. This is how I live my life.

Last month, Bruno Ganz died. I love Wings of Desire, and his performance in it. Like his angel, Damiel, I sometimes feel like I’m observing life, but not really participating in it. I exist at a remove, wondering what real closeness and connection and participation in life are like. I know they can be wonderful. 

“I wish I could see your face, just look into your eyes and tell you how good it is to be here...to smoke, have coffee, and if you do it together, it’s fantastic.”

The film punctures the lie that time heals all wounds. For many of us, the waiting and waiting and waiting is the wound. 

Bruno Ganz was only a few years older than I am now when he made Wings of Desire. I don’t know why thoughts like that so often occur to me, but they do. I think maybe it’s because I’m so aware of time slipping away from me, time that I never get back, and I really want to start living before I die.

Today, and yesterday, and the day before that, I woke up starving for touch. Often the first thing I’m aware of when consciousness comes to me is a kind of ache in the body, like my skin is the frozen surface of a lake, and there’s warm water far, far below that could bring such relief, but it needs a warm touch on the surface to bring it floating up through the cold, to infuse my skin with life once again. This is one of the ways I am wounded by time.

Anyway, I want to tell you a story.

(Bionic Commando, NES)

It’s actually not about the person I met when I was young, though I wish it was. I’d have only very kind things to say about them, but to write about them would not be a kindness. And so, like so many stories that purport to be about someone else, this is actually a story about the person telling it, and the effect that the other person had on me.

Was I young many years ago, when this story I’m about to tell you happened? I don’t know. I mean, yes, I was, and I am. I’m very young. Young like Yorkie in San Junipero. Her body may be 60 or so, but she’s not really 60, because she’s experienced so little. In the virtual world of San Junipero, she has the freedom to be herself, a young woman looking to form connections and find love for the first time. Even there, her complete lack of experience surprises the woman she clicks with, but still, with Kelly she finds acceptance. She can let her walls down and be honest about who she is, what she’s missed out on her whole life, and what she needs now.

Now I’m physically 42 but really I’m no older than Yorkie. I go on dating sites like Bumble and I can’t help but be extremely aware that I’m very different from most of the queer women on there, not just because I’m trans, and visibly so (though that certainly significantly limits the pool of people who might want to even meet me for coffee), but because I’m so inexperienced, and so guarded, and so aware that it takes a special kind of person to make me feel safe, and able to be honest and real.

Of course, I have had long, close relationships before, but that was before I transitioned, and despite all my efforts to pretend otherwise, there was always a barrier between me and my partners, because those relationships were all predicated on a fiction, the role I tried so hard to play while gender dysphoria carved up my insides. I was profoundly uncomfortable with my body, and didn’t really inhabit it throughout all those years. It was as if my soul was hiding away, trying to make itself as small and as removed as possible from the anguish of reality, possibly curled up into a tight little ball in my left pinky toe, barely present in the real world, always seeking escape into books and songs and movies and video games.

Now I’m uncomfortable with my body for an entirely different reason: it seems to prevent people from seeing me for who I really am. I’m definitely in less pain having transitioned, and there’s a relief in living with the integrity of being honest with the world about who I am, but still, the world can’t see me clearly. I’m misgendered constantly, and because I know I’m not clearly seen by the world, fear factors into every decision I make. I’m never free of it. Do I dress the way I dress because this is how I want to dress, or do I dress the way I dress because I’m trying to make myself invisible, because I’m afraid of drawing potentially hostile attention to myself? I don’t know, and as long as fear remains present, I can’t know.

Whether or not it’s true, I feel as if I exist entirely outside the marketplace of desire as a queer woman, and that the only times people want me are when they see me as something I’m not. One woman I dated briefly repeatedly misgendered me and even admitted to me once that she fantasized about me being a man. One woman made a pass at me by saying that she saw me not as a woman or a man but just as a person. How can I be present in a relationship if I know that I’m being seen and desired expressly as things I feel like I’m not, and not as who I am?

Loneliness is hallmarked by an intense desire to bring the experience to a close; something which cannot be achieved by sheer willpower, or by simply getting out more, but only by developing intimate connections. This is far easier said than done, especially for people whose loneliness arises from a state of loss or exile or prejudice, who have reason to fear or mistrust as well as long for the society of others.

--Olivia Laing, The Lonely City

So. Let’s talk about Alex. 

I’ve written about Alex before. I don’t know if i’ll write about Alex again. Some writers are fond of saying that all of us who write essentially write the same story again and again and again, but I’d like to have a new story to tell. I know Alex wants that for me too.

It was several years ago now that I met them. I was in a weird place at the time, having just gone through an intense defrost cycle on my heart. After focusing on transition and not giving much thought to relationships for many years, I’d had an encounter that made me painfully aware that finding love, closeness, and connection was supremely important to me.

There’s a great deal I can’t tell you about Alex that I wish I could tell you. What I can say is that they just had a particular kind of sincerity about them that put me at ease. Very few people can do that. I didn’t feel the anxiety around them that I feel around so many people. I didn’t mind just existing in silence with them. Time with most people drains my batteries. Time with Alex recharged them.

Alex did and still does things that I admire greatly, and I find them fascinating as a person, and I wanted more than anything to engage in the endless process of getting to know them. In the 1990 Hal Hartley movie Trust, a character asserts that respect, admiration and trust equal love. I don’t know if it’s as simple as that, but I do know that all those ingredients were there.

I could tell that Alex knew what suffering was in their own way, and that they struggled sometimes, which is essential if I’m going to be able to relate to someone, but Alex wasn’t wounded in the same ways or the same places that I was wounded, which is also essential. If you put me next to someone who’s like me, there’s just a chasm between us. All we can do is spin our wheels. Alex was someone I could relate to and understand, and also learn from.

Anyway, it eventually came to pass that Alex knew how I felt, just as I knew that Alex would never see me the way I wanted them to see me. The circumstances of this dual revelation would make for a more symbolically fraught movie scene about the anguish of a lifetime spent feeling invisible than anything I could concoct in a work of fiction, but I won’t go into the particulars. Suffice it to say that the next night, Alex and I met, I guess in the hopes of clearing the air. We sat on Alex’s couch, and Alex put their arm around me.

I suppose that’s the sort of thing you might do if you grow up in a somewhat healthy family that teaches you that your love has value.

The effect it had on me was the feeling of years and years and years of ice melting away, warm water rushing to the surface, my skin and my soul awakened in a way they never had been before. I simultaneously wanted to kiss Alex and to fall asleep in their arms. I wanted to sit there talking and laughing quietly while letting phrases like “I love you” slip out of my mouth, and I wanted to cry, to let loose all the grief that I’d carried around with me for so long and had never been able to share with anyone. I actually did laugh at the sheer wild luck of it all, of finding myself in that moment, and I laughed, too, at the wonderful surprise of discovering, after spending all my life in moments that I couldn’t fully inhabit, that really being there, right there with Alex, was the easiest thing in the world.

If I died tomorrow, and it turned out that, like in Hirokazu Koreeda’s film After Life, I had to choose just one memory to take with me, that would be it, the time I spent in Alex’s arms that night.

When I left, it felt as if the whole world was vibrating. That’s not an exaggeration or some kind of metaphor. I mean that it felt to me as if everything was humming, as if all of existence had become charged with life, or perhaps as if all of existence were always charged with life, and for the first time I could see and feel it, because for the first time I was part of it.

Maybe this is what Sam meant in Gone Home when she said she felt like a shook-up can of soda. Maybe almost everyone experiences something like this when they’re young, and they learn that they can be loved. But I still haven’t learned that. I’m still waiting for my first mutual experience of it. I don’t expect love to mean undergoing a massive spiritual experience every time the person I love touches me. Not at all. I want to get to a point where being held by someone I really like doesn’t feel like winning the goddamn lottery. But when you’ve waited for it for as long as I have, it’s powerful, when it finally happens. I don’t expect love to be grandiose. For the most part, my time with Alex wasn’t grandiose. It was low-key friendly get-togethers, conversations over drinks at bars, playing games together, or just working quietly on our own things in the same place at the same time. That was all it had to be.

Of course, I knew even as I was sitting there with Alex, being brought to life by their warmth and their presence and their touch, that they didn’t mean for it to affect me so profoundly. They were just trying to comfort me, their friend, in the hopes that it might be easier for me to let go, to move on, to just be friends. The next day they texted me and asked me if I was feeling better. What could I say? That the night before had changed my life, that it was the most incredible thing I’d ever experienced and that I was, if anything, more full of yearning than ever before, that all I wanted was to hold them and be held by them?

I said that yes, I was feeling better, and left it at that. That was years ago now, and in all the time since, I haven’t met anyone else yet who has felt like a chance to me the way Alex did.

Sometimes some of my friends say that monogamy is bullshit. The people who say this around me, though, are always attractive people for whom love and affection and touch are widely available around the city in or the planet on which they live. When people ask me if I’m poly (as they occasionally do, I suppose because I’m a queer-identified woman living in the San Francisco Bay Area), all I can do is laugh. I can’t even find one person I like and who likes me who I want to know deeply, with whom I feel safe, with whom I can be vulnerable, with whom I can take my time to form a bond of closeness and trust. If my life were completely different, if the world taught me to move with confidence rather than fear, if the world taught me that I was seen rather than invisible, would I be poly then? I can never know the answer to that. We are all shaped by our experiences within the world, the messages the world sends us about ourselves, and if the world sent me different messages about myself, I’d be a different person. But I do resent the attitude among some that polyamory is inherently more enlightened or radical than monogamy. I think that in this world, where people so often use other people and then dispose of them, there’s something radical about ordinary devotion to one person, between two people who know each other deeply, trust each other completely, have seen each other at their worst, and still support and rely on each other.

The other question I get, I guess because of my lack of experience, is whether I might be asexual. But I’m not. When things are firing on all cylinders, I’m definitely sexual. But I really need to feel safe and seen with someone, seen and desired as the woman I am, and the world doesn’t make me feel that way, so it takes time for me to feel that way with an individual. Over and over again on the dance floors of life, I see people seeing each other, desiring each other and being desired, and I feel invisible, and I’m still dancing on my own.

Alex felt like home. I’m still looking for home. Not the exact same kind of home that Alex felt like. Everyone’s love makes a different kind of home. Just a home, one where I feel safe and seen, with someone I trust and respect and admire and can learn from and have fun with and be myself with, a home where I’m inclined to let down the walls that I have spent so long building up. In a world where everything about my life is complicated, feeling the way I did about Alex was the simplest, easiest thing. I know it doesn’t stay that way, but it seems to me like a good place to start.

[that-curly-haired-lesbian]

The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo + Taylor Swift: a master post - Part 5/6

Hi guys, welcome to part 5 of my masterpost regarding parallels between Taylor Swift and Evelyn Hugo, the fictional actress from the book The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo by author Taylor Jenkins Reid!

Before proceeding please be aware that there will be 

**MAJOR SPOILERS**

for the book ahead and please also read my disclaimer!

It’s very important that you read these in order so if you haven’t yet go ahead and check out the previous part right here, thank you and enjoy!

“And then she calmly, confidently took my hand. I bristled, unsure if we should be touching in public, scared of what people would do.  But the rest of the people on the street just kept on walking, kept on living their lives, almost entirely unaware or uninterested in the two famous women holding hands on the sidewalk.” (Pg. 234)

Admittedly not holding hands here, but this was actually the first thing that came into my head when I read the scene above…Here are some actual pictures of the girls holding hands in public though:

--

  “We went out to dinner in public, the four of us looking like two pairs of     heterosexuals, without a heterosexual in the bunch.” (Pg. 234)

This is once again Evelyn talking about their foursome of beards during the New York years and I believe this is something akin to what Taylor and Karlie were hoping to have with Josh and Joe/Tom (or whoever Taylor was meant to beard with long-term) pre-election disaster, hence that retrospectively embarrassing pap walk of Josh with Austin as a way to try and integrate Josh into to Taylor’s social circle so that her, her beard and Karlie and Josh could become “America’s favorite double daters” (as Evelyn describes it)

Obviously with the election turning out as it did Team Swift quickly reworked the plan.

--

Pages 234-238 is Evelyn talking of the Stonewall riots and how she remembers those days and there are specific parts of it that are interesting from a Gaylor/Kaylor point of view.

“Harry and I campaigned for Bobby Kennedy. Celia posed with Vietnam protesters on the cover of ‘Effect’. John was a vocal supporter of the civil rights movement and I had been a very public supporter of the work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.” (x) (x)

“This was our people. And here they were, revolting against the police, in the name of their right to be themselves. While I was sitting in a golden prison of my own making.”

Gold cage, hostage to my feelings (x)

Evelyn, Celia, Harry and John discuss going to participate in the Stonewall riots, wishing they could be a part of this, of fighting for their own people, but ultimately Harry explains why they can’t best when he says:

  “We go down there all we do is attract attention away from the cause and       towards us. The story becomes about whether we are homosexuals and not   about the rights of homosexuals.”

Still wanting to help make a difference the gang discuss how they best can help and come to the conclusion that their best contribution is funding.

Evelyn says about it all:

  “Because of who I was, because of the sacrifices I made to hide parts of     myself, I was able to give more money than most people ever see in their entire lifetime. I am proud of that. But it does not mean that I wasn’t conflicted. And of course, a lot of the time that ambivalence was even more personal than it was political. I knew it was imperative that I hide, and yet I did not believe I should have to. But accepting that something is true isn’t the same as thinking that it is just.”

Remember kids, closeted does not mean ashamed! Taylor accepting that she has to beard does not mean she likes it or even supports the practice. She uses her voice and her money to stand up for the LGBT+ community continuously and that in itself is a brave act for someone who is so deeply closeted!!

--

On page 241 Evelyn refers to herself as “the sort of person who liked being extravagant and absurd.” Basically she’s saying she was extra af™ which just sort of reminded me of how we often comment on how extra™ Taylor is with her hints and teases and it also reminded me of that time Taylor sarcastically referred to herself as “a very subtle person” The two quotes have the same energy if you will!

--

On Evelyn’s birthday the gang goes out to dinner and Celia makes a small “happy birthday, I love you”-type speech which was reminiscent of the birthday posts, sweet! (pg. 242)

(one of many of course)

    “’You love me?’ She said.   ‘Oh my God, what an understatement,’ I told her. ‘You love me so much you can’t see straight?’” (Pg. 245)

   Too in love to think straight……………

--

Years after they last saw each other Evelyn meets back up with her abusive ex-husband, Don (one out of only two of her husbands who wasn’t a beard) when she’s put in a situation where the two of them have to do a movie together.

   “‘I know it doesn’t make up for what I did to you,’ he said.

   ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Because it really doesn’t.’

  ‘But I hope it might make you feel a little better,’ he said, ‘to know that I know I    was wrong, I know you deserved better, and I’m working every day to be a     better man.’

  ‘Well, it’s awfully late now,’ I said. ‘You being a better man does nothing for       me.’ (Pg. 256)

I wonder what we would’ve becomeeeee If you were a better mannnnn We might still be in loveeeee If you were a better mannnnn You would’ve been the onoooooe If you were a better mannnnnn

*The rest of Better Man plays softly in background*

--

On page 164 Evelyn gives Celia a bouquet of lilies which happens to be Karlie’s favorite flowers, Celia calls the flowers Gorgeous

--

When Celia finds out that Evelyn filmed a sex scene with her ex-husband without telling her she’s so upset she threatens to leave again, Evelyn’s reaction:

   “I sobbed.  And I pleaded. And I groveled, desperately, on my knees,           having long ago learned the lesson that you have to throw yourself at the     mercy of the things you truly want.” (Pg. 267)

    If you walked away I’d beg you on my knees to stay

--

The scene on pages 267-268 where Evelyn begs Celia to take her back has major How You Get The Girl/Delicate/Don’t Blame Me vibes…It’s too long to quote, but I dare you to go read it and tell me I’m wrong!

--

  “’I made people money. No one turns away money. They were all too happy to    get me in their movies and then talk about me behind my back.’” (Pg. 270)

Evelyn says this after discussing the rampant slut-shaming of her following her many marriages and her 1970’s film 3AM which people deemed both unbecoming of a lady and  unfeminist. She goes on to point out the duality of her image, while studios acknowledge that “sex sells” and therefore want Evelyn in their movies due to the audience pull she has they also slut shame her for her numerous marriages and choices in roles. When Monique points out that this eventually turned out fine as people these days praise Evelyn for her role in the film Evelyn points out:

  “’It’s all fine in hindsight,’ […] ‘Except that I spent years with a scarlet A on     my chest,’ […]” (Pg. 270)

Does the phrase “a scarlet A” sound familiar? Well, I bet ya:

  You were Romeo  I was a scarlet letter

and

  We show off our different scarlet letters

  Trust me, mine is better

Also sound familiar, right? In several of my queer analyses of Taylor’s songs I bring up the fact that “scarlet letter” refers not only to the literal scarlet A on main character Hester’s clothes, but also to the concept of sin in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s 1850 novel The Scarlet Letter. (x) (x) (x)

I continue to point out that I think Taylor uses the concept of the scarlet letter as sin to refer to her (in the eyes of the entertainment industry) scandalous secret homosexuality, the “celebrity sin” she’s guilty of.

Evelyn uses the analogy here to refer to her own status as “a sex pot” (her words, pg. 269) in Hollywood. She says that she is a “sex pot” of Hollywood’s own creation not only by the increasingly sexually charged roles she took on during the 70’s but also because of the numerous husbands the industry forced her to take as to not be outed. By forcing bearding on her the industry opened the doors for the constant slut shaming directed at Evelyn and I feel the industry has done much the same to Taylor. The recent for the slut-shaming she’s had to endure is (like Evelyn) the numerous men she’s dated, but she only did that to hide the truth of her (far fewer) true (gay) relationships. Considering my previous points on Taylor and the scarlet-letter/sin-metaphor I thought Evelyn’s use of the analogy here interesting and noteworthy. It is of course interesting too, that the movie for which Evelyn received the most scrutiny and shaming happens to be called 3AM, we all know that Taylor mentions 2AM rather frequently in her songs about love, which are of course where she has received the most scrutiny, her songs and all the “numerous boys” they are supposedly about. I pointed out this similarity between Evelyn’s movie title and a frequent motif in Taylor’s music earlier in this analysis, but thought it was worth pointing out 3AM as a possible blanket-metaphor for Taylor’s music within the context of this book yet again.

--

  “I broke Celia’s heart because I spent half my time loving her and the other     half hiding how much I loved her.” (Pg. 271)

  Sometimes when I look into your eyes   I pretend you’re mine all the damn time

                                //

  Your love is a secret I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep

--

  “I loved Celia and I shared my truth only with Celia.” (pg. 271)

  Even in my worst light, you saw the truth in me

Just like Evelyn Taylor is saying that even when her public reputation is bad and also very far from the actual true narrative of her life Karlie is the one that actually knows the truth and the only one she can share the full extent of that truth with.  

--

“I did a lot of things that hurt a lot of people and I’d do them all again if I had to.” (Pg. 172)

Those are Evelyn’s words and yet all I can hear are Taylor’s…

  Theeeeeey say I did something BAD                          […]   And I'd do it over and over and over again if I coUUUUld

--

  “I had very little energy left to try to hide who we were. I had learned   all too        well that pain is sometimes stronger than the need to keep up     appearances.” (Pg. 274)

It would seem that in the Reputation era Taylor too has very little energy left to try and hide, she has previously learnt all too well what keeping up appearances can cost you.

--

Thanks so much for reading, check out part 6, the finale!

[mediaeval-muse]

How to Review a Book (by a College Lit Instructor)

I’ve been watching/reading a lot of book reviews lately, and I’ve noticed that a lot of book reviews sometimes struggle to separate personal opinion and taste from bad writing. While reading and art is indeed subjective, I figured I’d offer some helpful guiding questions if you’re looking to more clearly articulate why a book didn’t work for you, while also giving authors the benefit of the doubt. I’m not trying to say this is the ONLY WAY to review a book - just offering some resources for those interested. I use a lot of these questions when asking my students to talk about books beyond the initial “I liked it” or “I didn’t like it” stage - but please don’t take this post to mean I’m lecturing you on how to talk about books. I don’t mean to talk down to anyone, just offering information to do with as you please. So without further ado, click the cut below!

Premise

What is the premise of the book? What does the book’s cover/marketing say it’s about vs what does the book itself present as the main premise? What is the author’s intention with this book?

Authorial intent is tricky because ultimately, authors have no control over how readers respond to their work. It’s useful, though, to think about what story the author may have been wanting to tell and evaluating the book based on how well he/she/they met that goal. For example, does the book put romance at the forefront of the story over other elements? Does the book spend a lot of time exploring the effects of trauma?

After reading the book, how well does the content of the book match up with its dust jacket description/summary?

Book jackets/summaries are usually controlled by the publisher, not the author, so it’s worth thinking about how the publisher is trying to market the book and how the publisher creates expectations in the reader. I think it’s unfair to blame authors if their book doesn’t match up with the advertisements or things on the dust jacket.

If there is a notable difference between the book’s content and its advertising/dust jacket summary, you can talk in depth about the discrepancy between the two and how publishing and marketing affect the reading of the book. That discussion is much more fruitful than just saying that the author misled the reader or that the book was bad because it wasn’t what you expected.

What are the themes of the book? How well does an author illustrate those themes and/or bring them to the forefront?

Genre

What genre is the book? Is it a romance? Sci fi? Fantasy? Contemporary? Literary fiction? Something else? Once you identify the genre, think about what tropes are common in books of that type. Then, think about what tropes the author uses, avoids, or subverts.

Tropes are not always bad - using a trope is ok as long as it works within the context of the story (and whether or not it works can be subjective). For example, the Chosen One trope is common in sci fi and fantasy, but just because an author uses it, that doesn’t mean the book is automatically bad (see, for example, the Harry Potter series). If the story is well-crafted, these tropes can be deployed well. You can talk about how well tropes were deployed in the story to boost your depth of discussion.

Sometimes subversion is not always well-done, especially if done for no other purpose than to be subversive or shocking. For example, a book may be subversive by challenging norms in our culture only to endorse more harmful ideas. Or, the subversiveness can be so random that it doesn’t integrate with the rest of the book.

Genre also creates expectation. If you pick up a fantasy novel, for example, you expect certain things to happen (such as magic). Talking about how genre sets up expectations and how well the author meets (or doesn’t meet) those expectations can also be fruitful to discuss.

It’s ok to call a book “popcorn fiction” or “junk food” if the author doesn’t seem to be trying to create high-brow literature. Not all books are written with the intent to be grand masterpieces, and it’s ok to enjoy popcorn fiction. I suggest removing the shame associated with reading popcorn fiction and instead talking about how these books are refreshing or light or pleasurable.

Not all literary fiction/high-brow fiction is good. Classics are classics not because they are good books, but because they were historically meaningful in some way. It’s ok to talk about how a book might be significant in terms of what cultural moments it is responding to, but lacks in the areas of style, narrative, etc.

Context

Consider the background or identity of the author as well as the historical moment in which the book is written. How do those things influence the way a book is written?

Sometimes, authors write about their own experiences; a black author might write about the experience of blackness in their book, or a queer author might mirror their personal lives in their books. Maybe an author is writing about being an office temp because they were one at some point in their lives. Thinking about how authors bring their personal stories into their books is useful because it highlights how the book may be a means of self-expression.

Not everything in a book can or should be matched up with an author’s personal life or background. Not all books are autobiographical, nor should they be. Think about when it is useful to match up author and work and when it’s best to see the two as separate. Just because an author writes something, that doesn’t mean they endorse/condone it or that everything they write is 100% reflective of who they are (especially when it comes to things like villains).

The time period in which a book was written has major impacts on things like aesthetics. Aesthetic tastes in the 1800s, for example, were not the same as today, so that means a book written in the 1800s was not written with you, the contemporary reader, in mind. That doesn’t make the book bad - that just means it wasn’t for you.

Likewise, older books may reference a lot of things that were common knowledge in their day, but are lost to us. That also doesn’t mean the book is bad.

Narrative

How well-crafted is the story? Is the pace appropriate? Is there a balance between action and emotional moments?

“Well-crafted” is subjective, but you can talk about how a narrative is plotted. The most basic storytelling tool you can use is this breakdown of exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution, though a book can play with this structure and make multiple rising actions, climaxes, etc. This breakdown is useful for identifying if there is too much exposition, too much buildup, a weak climax, etc.

Fast-paced is not always an indicator of good writing and slow pacing is not always an indicator of bad writing: sometimes books rush through events and create confusion or slow down events to mirror the feelings of a character. Rushing through emotional moments may be bad because it shows the author is not giving appropriate time to weighty topics. For example, if a book spends no time unpacking the emotions of a character who has just endured a traumatic event, that can be a bad thing for readers who want a balance of action and emotion.

Sometimes, twists and surprises are poorly executed - think about the twist in terms of the overall book. Is it a fitting twist that enriches the reading experience or does it seem shoe-horned in for cheap thrills? Does the twist make the story richer or distract from it?

Characters

Are the characters well-developed? Do they grow and change over the course of the book? Do they have flaws as well as strengths? Do they act according to how a person with their personality would act?

Characters don’t have to act rationally 100% of the time. Sometimes, a character can behave irrationally if under stress or is emotion or just has a consistent character flaw. Discuss when the character’s actions are consistent with their characterization and when the author just seems to be trying to create drama or make a plot point happen.

Negative character growth can be just as interesting as positive growth. Think about what an author might be trying to accomplish with it.

A “Mary Sue” can be interesting if a character from a particular demographic is not normally featured in a protagonist’s role (for example: Rey from Star Wars is often labelled as a Mary Sue, but SW hasn’t featured a female protagonist). A “Mary Sue” can also be uninteresting if the character is too perfect (some YA novels use perfectly beautiful badass white women with no character flaws over and over). Think about what the author is trying to do and whether or not a character type is common across the genre or not.

Antagonists are antagonists - let them act immorally and think about how they are crafted as foils to the protagonists. Are they a good match for the protagonist or are they run-of-the-mill evil? How might a generic villain serve the story well? When is generic villainy insufficient?

Unlikeable protagonists can be deployed well - talk about what made an unlikeable protagonist interesting to follow vs what made them impossible to connect to. This discussion is more useful than saying “I couldn’t connect to the main character.”

Explain what you mean when you say a character is “relatable.” Relatability isn’t always an indication of good quality and varies from reader to reader. Instead, think about what character traits appealed to you.

Style

Quality of writing style can be largely dependent on personal taste, so I think it is better discussed if you can attach some descriptors to it (ex: purple prose, poetic style, very descriptive, simple sentences, etc.). Discussing style in these terms can be more interesting than just saying “the writing is bad.” Some things you can keep in mind:

The advice “show not tell” isn’t always universal. Think about when an author uses telling well.

Think about the length of sentences. It’s easier for readers to move through sentences that vary in length vs sentences that are always short or always long.

Authors don’t have to lay out everything for the reader - consider when a book over-explains or under-explains (ex: The Tiger’s Wife does a good job of leaving some things left unsaid without distracting the reader).

Ask yourself if the metaphors or figurative language is well-chosen or if it’s cliche.

How well does the author create a mood? While moods can be a matter of preference (for example, some readers might like sad books), you can think about how well the author deploys moods in certain situations (like if a sad moment in the plot is made more impactful by the writing style).

Problematic Elements

When talking about problematic elements of a book, it’s ok to say that something turned you off of a book altogether. It’s also ok to say that it didn’t. Some things to help navigate discussion:

Consider how the author is depicting something like racism, sexism, violence, etc. Are they engaging with it in a meaningful way? Are they including it to be edgy or grimdark? Are problematic things romanticized and if so, what is the effect? For example, Jessica Jones uses rape to craft a story that critiques rape culture, whereas The Warded Man uses rape to show how barbaric the fantasy world is.

Everyone’s mileage will vary re: tolerating problematic elements. It’s ok to discuss where the line falls for individual readers as opposed to saying that every book has to meet the same standards. Some people may be ok with the spanking scene in Outlander, whereas some may not - that doesn’t mean the book should be banned or labeled universally bad.

Villains are tricky - discuss when a villain’s behavior is problematic vs when it’s just villains doing bad things. I would say that the Purple Man’s behavior in Jessica Jones is used effectively, even though it’s problematic, because of the show’s overall premise and themes.

If you have more suggestions, I’d love for you to add them!

[bbclesmis]

TV Is Unwhitewashing History One Character, Period, and Genre at a Time

From “Les Miserables” and “Harlots” to “The Spanish Princess” and “The Terror,” TV producers are restoring the historical narratives of people of color.

Black characters on a show set in Tudor England would be a “stark anachronism” one consultant told “The Spanish Princess” co-showrunner Emma Frost in no uncertain terms. “Even I knew just from basic research that that wasn’t true,” she said in an interview with IndieWire during a set visit last year.

As TV shows seek out more inclusive storytelling, many producers are looking to the past to find new ways to freshen old stories. And while historical records and artwork have shown plenty of black, brown, and Asian faces through centuries of Western history, that same diversity has been largely absent in history class and on the screen unless it takes place after the 1950s. This dearth has affected the types of roles offered and even considered by actors of color.

Mandip Gill, who plays a British police officer of South Asian descent on “Doctor Who,” has only performed in contemporary projects. “I have always said I won’t be in a period drama. I just don’t see it happening,” she said. “I can’t even imagine it. When I’ve written down what types I like to play or where I would like to push the boundaries, it’s not with period dramas. I don’t watch them because I can’t relate to them.”

Danny Sapiani has had a better track record for landing period roles — such as Will North in “Harlots” and Sambene in “Penny Dreadful” — but that wasn’t always the case. “Period drama on screen was not a consideration when I began my professional career. Most film and tv roles were confined to the modern era, post-1950s, ghetto-ized in nature or victims of oppression,” he said.

David Oyelowo, who stars as Inspector Javert in the upcoming PBS-BBC adaptation of “Les Miserables,” agrees. “That was the case for me. And having grown up in the UK, and more specifically, on period drama, I had just resigned myself to the fact that, ‘Okay, those amazing shows are going to be shows I love, but they’re never going to have folks like me in it.’”

Sites like The Public Medievalist and historians like Onyeka have worked to challenge the narrative of the pure-white Western history that’s been widely accepted, even by people of color. Now actors and producers are following their example to restore the place of marginalized people on screen and into the public consciousness.

“The excuse has been used that it’s not historically accurate, and that’s just not true,” said Oyelowo. “If you are an actual genuine student of history — and not just coming from an ignorant kind of purely white lens in relation to European history — you’d know that people of color have been in France, in the UK, all over Europe, for centuries, and not just as slaves.”

Sapiani points to the discoveries and documentation available for anyone to research about the existence of people of color in Europe for centuries.

“As evidenced by the discovery of Cheddar Man, the first complete skeleton found in a gorge in Somerset, the first modern Britons who arrived on the island 10,000 years ago had black to brown skin, blue eyes and dark wavy hair. It is from these earliest arrivals that the inhabitants of Britain derive their origins,” he said.

“In fact, there are very few periods in history where people of color do not feature, not only in Britain — the setting of most costume dramas — but across the entire European continent. The census notes 20,000 blacks living in Britain in 1780, the century we focus on in ‘Harlots,’ more than half that number living in London, which is where ‘Harlots’ is set. Even though this was during the height of the slave trade, not all those people were slaves or victims of white racism. Fascinating characters like Will North, spanned social and class boundaries, often, though not always, against incredible odds.”

Hulu’s “Harlots,” about the war between two brothels in Georgian London, not only features the free man Will North, but also several black harlots, one of whom ran her own brothel.

“There were tens of thousands of people of color living in London in the 1760s. We have found stories of musicians, estate managers, fencing masters, actresses, grocers, prize fighters, haberdashers, soldiers, poets, activists, librarians and clerks,” said “Harlots” co-creator Moira Buffini.

“Some were clearly people of means, like the ‘black lady covered in finery,’ spotted by Hester Thrale at the opera. ‘Harris’s List of Covent Garden Ladies’ has entries for several women of color who were making their living in the sex trade and The Nocturnal Revels tells us of ‘Black Harriot,’ a very successful courtesan who ran a popular ‘house of exotics.’ All our stories are about people trying to find agency when society gives them none — and this seems in especially sharp relief for our characters of color. Violet is a street whore and pickpocket but from her perspective, society is the thief. Her mother was stolen. Violet, in her own eyes, is neither victim nor criminal. She has a raw integrity and a personal truth that others find both intimidating and irresistible.”

For “The Spanish Princess,” an adaptation of two Philippa Gregory historical novels set in Tudor England about Catherine of Aragon, Frost and co-showrunner Matthew Graham turned to books by Onyeka to develop characters of color who would have fit in during that time. In particular, they discovered the story of the real-life Lina de Cardonnes (played by Stephanie Levi-John in the series), a high-ranking noble woman who acted as Catherine’s lady-in-waiting and companion.

“There was a character that was referenced in Phillipa’s books who was what they call a dueñas or a lady-in-waiting to Catherine. Her name was Catalina de Cardonnes and she was just this larger than life character who was depicted as white Spanish,” said Graham. “Then we just did a bit of cursory research and discovered that it was based on Lina de Cardonnes and that she was African Iberian. She was a black lady. So, we were certainly like, ‘Wow, this is a bigger story and a more interesting story than we can possibly imagine.’”

This discovery of the larger part that people of color have played throughout history has been increasing the more people look into telling marginalized stories. The author of “The Miniaturist” Jessie Burton and Netflix’s “Anne With an E” creator Moira Walley-Beckett had similar epiphanies and added black characters in significant roles to their stories set in the Dutch Golden Age and Edwardian Canada, respectively.

In many of these cases, ignorance or acceptance of the dominant narrative could explain the lack of representation in these TV shows. The absence of photographic or film evidence made it easier to whitewash the presence of people of color.

But there’s really no excuse with period dramas set in the 20th century and beyond, when plenty of visual records show the diversity present. As with the #OscarsSoWhite campaign started by activist April Reign, the biggest problems facing more inclusive TV lay in challenging the mindset at the studio level and changing who’s behind the camera.

As seen with many of the shows that are including people of color in historical narratives, the show’s creators are often women, people of color themselves, or part of the LGBTQ community. When marginalized groups help each other, this can address intersectionality.

For example, Carol Hay and Michelle Ricci co-created the Jazz Age mystery adventure show “Frankie Drake Mysteries” coming to Ovation on June 15. Not only did they make a show about Toronto’s first female private detective, but they also cast Chantel Riley as Trudy, Frankie’s partner who happens to also be a black woman.

“When Shaftesbury [Films] came up with this idea and decided to have a black female lead, it was mind-blowing to me because you never really hear about black folk or Asian folk, in that time,” Riley said. “We touch on the Asian community, the black community, even the Indian community as well. That’s why I was really attracted to this particular show, because no one’s really doing that in this particular era.”

In some cases, actors have had to step behind the cameras themselves to increase the opportunities for people of color. Daniel Dae Kim left “Hawaii Five-0,” and the first series that he produced afterward is ABC’s “The Good Doctor,” which has provided numerous on-screen opportunities for actors from marginalized groups.

Similarly, Oyelowo became an executive producer on “Les Miserables” to take control of how his role of Javert and the other people of color were portrayed. Oyelowo also co-produced and starred in the period film “A United Kingdom.”

“I wanted to make sure that me being in [‘Les Miserables’] wasn’t going to be a token thing. I wanted to make sure that people of color were integrated through the story in an organic way that didn’t feel imposed,” he said.

“But also, something very important to me was the American distribution. I wanted it to be on a channel that was worthy of the work that everyone was putting into it. And so, I had a hand in it going to PBS Masterpiece. Anything that takes me away from my kids for any period of time better be worth it. And so, some of the times I produce in order to develop. Some of the times I produce in order to be able to have a say in how things are cast, how they are marketed, how they are distributed. And that’s basically been the case with this.”

Currently, there aren’t many period shows by people of color about people of color on TV. John Singleton’s “Snowfall” on FX is set in Los Angeles during the 1980s crack epidemic and was renewed for a third season.

Over on broadcast, the late 1990s-set comedy “Fresh Off the Boat,” based on the memoir of Eddie Huang and created by Nahnatchka Khan, a queer woman of Iranian descent, is currently in its fifth season. It’s the first TV show with an Asian cast in over 20 years — since Margaret Cho’s short-lived “All American Girl” — and stars Randall Park and Constance Wu as the Huangs, who had relocated to the Florida suburbs with their family. Khan had to make a case for why the show had to remain in the ‘90s to replicate the real-life Huangs’ feelings of alienation.

“I remember having a creative discussion with 20th [Century Fox] at the very beginning about them asking me, ‘Why does it have to be set in the ‘90s?’” she said. “For me it was creating a sense of isolation with the family. They moved to Orlando in the middle of the white suburbs and they don’t know anybody. But in the present day, you can get online and talk to your friends and you can text people. You have a connection outside of your everyday life, even if it’s virtual.”

Other than those, “Underground” was the last period show about people of color by a creator of color, Misha Green. WGN’s critically acclaimed slavery-era period drama lasted two seasons and was canceled shortly after Sinclair Media Group announced it would purchase Tribune Media, which owns WGN.

Fortunately, this scarcity won’t last for long. Many period shows that feature significant narratives for people of color are on the horizon. Green has teamed up with Jordan Peele for the HBO drama horror “Lovecraft Country,” which takes place on a road trip during 1950s Jim Crow America. Barry Jenkins executive produces and directs the upcoming Amazon series “The Underground Railroad,” an adaptation of Colson Whitehead’s book. Justin Lin and Jonathan Tropper’s “Warrior” premieres April 5 on Cinemax and is based on Bruce Lee’s original concept about a Chinese immigrant who becomes a hatchet man for the most powerful tong in late 1800s Chinatown in San Francisco.

One other upcoming series explores a new genre for the period TV show that adds a provocative take on a historical event. In its second season, AMC’s anthology series “The Terror” explores the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II through the lens of Japanese horror. Actor George Takei, who experienced internment, acts as a consultant and series regular.

“We’re telling the story of a very underserved piece of American history using the vocabulary of Japanese-style horror as an analog for the terror of the actual historical event,” said co-creator and showrunner Alexander Woo.

“I don’t want the audience to feel removed from the events that are happening on screen. What a horror movie or horror series does is it makes you feel viscerally in the shoes of the person who’s trapped in the house or the person who’s running away from the monster or whatever it is. So we’re using that style, that language, to make you really feel how terrifying the experience of the Japanese Americans who lived through this terrible experience.”

While the Japanese ghost story trappings fits the tone of the narrative in “The Terror: Infamy,” Woo acknowledges that the genre twist might have helped pitching the show.

“We’re in an era of so much content and a period of such creative power, we have more sophisticated viewers that will hopefully appreciate a period drama told in a specific style,” he said. “Those two things used to not mix. That was not something that you would want to try because it might seem complicated or it might seem challenging, which I think now, in this time, that sounds very appealing… It’s also a terrific lens for us to understand things that are happening in the present. The story of internment is obviously relevant in a host of ways to the present day, so I think it’s a valuable story and has to be told now.”

While these more inclusive narratives continue to be discovered and told, inevitably people used to the status quo will resist and deny those stories. It’s the very reason that these stories haven’t been told in the first place.

“The more recent phenomenon of whitewashing, a political tool of the imperialists, dates back only a few hundred years,” said Sapiani. “I am so proud to see, and be a part of this change towards a more accurate and frankly more interesting dramatized interpretation of our world history. Needless to say, there is so much further to go.”

https://www.indiewire.com/2019/03/tv-unwhitewashing-history-period-dramas-hbo-hulu-pbs-abc-1202049639/

[bellabooks]

Annie Briggs and Natasha Negovanlis give us the scoop on their new hit webseries, “CLAIREvoyant”

Over the last few years, Natasha Negovanlis and Annie Briggs have become near and dear to the LGBTQ fandom for their roles in the smash hit webseries/movie, Carmilla. The two castmates and dear friends have now teamed up to being viewers a new comedy series (with it’s share of tender and hard hitting dramatic scenes) about two best friends, Claire and Ruby, who create a fake psychic website to try to drum up rent money. When Claire discovers she might actually be a powerful psychic, it makes a complicated scenario even more challenging, and hilarious. Natasha and Annie not only star in the series, but they are co-creators and writers as well along with Jason Packer. Bella Books sat down with Natasha and Annie to get more of their insights into the series and what it has been like creating something together.   Bella Books: You guys made a web series baby together, and now your baby is out there in the world. What has it been like for you for the past few days, watching all these responses roll in and seeing your creative work out there? Natasha Negovanlis: It’s been wild! I’ve only shat my pants a few times. Annie Briggs: Oh, that’s a good sign. Like Natasha said, it’s been totally wild. These things are always a combination of great excitement and relief and nervousness—the whole bit. Because we had a pre-existing audience, we knew that we would have some viewership. We were very fortunate that we were going into this with an audience already, but what’s been really exciting to see is that there are a number of people in a different demographic who have been responding so positively to it. And it’s been really cool to have friends reach out to us personally, and to see how people are relating to it as well. Natasha: Well, I keep joking that we wrote an absurdist show, and we keep marketing it as an absurdist comedy. But it’s quite funny to see people comment things like, “This scene was too real.”   Bella Books: How did the idea for CLAIREvoyant start in the first place, and how did you know – or did you – that the two of you would work so well together as creators? Annie: Too much wine, Dana. No, no! Natasha: Annie, don’t say these things. Annie: Natasha, you talk to the seedlings of this. Natasha: The creation of CLAIREvoyant was sort of a number of different things. The biggest thing was obviously our mutual fascination for psychics, the occult, and our interest in things like divination and tarot. Years ago, before I had ever met Annie, I had a character that I created, Vivienne, who we ended up using for the psychic. [It really began] just one day with an old roommate because I was down in the dumps. I had just been dumped and fired for my barista job. The only way I knew how to deal with that was to put on every piece of jewelry I owned and sit in my bathtub and call a psychic and make these little videos. But that was a very early, early seedling. And then one day Annie and I were hanging out and just chatting about different things, and I was talking about how I went to a nail salon. I was like, “It’s so interesting. What does she do outside of her work? What is her life like? Who are these people like?” We were just talking about it, and being a couple of silly gals that we are, we came up with these silly characters and we spent the rest of the evening as these characters. The next day Annie texted me and she was like, “I think we might be onto something.” Annie: In terms of the development of the project, we spent quite a few years in development on this. I would say the process was organic in many aspects. The characters we created came out of ourselves, exaggerated aspects of ourselves and other people that we’ve known and lived with. Also, in terms of working together, I feel very fortunate that Natasha and I mind-melded a lot on this project. So, we were really on the same page for a lot of the creative decisions, which was great. It made working together very intuitive and incredibly collaborative. On the flip side of that, we spent a couple years working together on this. It’s not all roses all the time. There were certainly times that were tricky for us when we weren’t seeing eye to eye. That’s just part of the creative process. You don’t know really what you’re getting yourself into when you start out with these things. But I’m still so grateful that on the whole this thing just flew out of us in a really beautiful, collaborative way. Natasha: Yeah, and I think in areas where we didn’t necessarily see eye to eye, our skillsets really complemented one another’s, and we had a lot of trust in each other’s abilities to take on certain areas. I think we just really complemented each other. It was also really nice to just become better friends and strengthen our bond as friends throughout this creative process because a lot of the times that we would meet up it was to work on this show and it really helped us get to know each other better. When we worked on Carmilla, our characters as Carmilla and Perry didn’t really interact with each other that much. We went for the entire first season not really knowing each other. We met on set, but we didn’t get to work together. It was really through different fan events and cast events that we bonded and found out that we had so much in common. I think it was the very first time we hung out alone, one on one, that we came up with the idea for the show, which I just realized in hindsight. It’s so funny! Annie: That’s really true. It was the first time that we just had a solo date. Bella Books: Well, it’s so evident that the two of you are so simpatico in this. In every scene the two of you have such…it’s like, I don’t want to say machine because that makes it sound like it’s stiff, but you’re such a well-oiled machine together. Annie: That’s great to hear. From an acting standpoint, it was an interesting experience coming in to play these roles. We didn’t, as you often do, we didn’t receive the scripts two weeks before filming or ten days before filming. We’ve been sitting with these characters for a couple years. So, by the time we rolled around onto set and actually got to play off each other they were integrated into us in a completely different kind of way. Natasha: Yeah, in a way, we had almost been playing these characters when we would just hang out sometimes. Like we would morph into them. So, I think we really knew our characters, and we had that benefit as well. It was interesting though. I think we did discover a lot about each other on set just doing comedy, you know, learning how to work. Because we actually have quite different acting methods, I would say. I don’t know if you would say that, but we kind of do. Annie: Oh, no. For sure. Natasha: And learning how to balance that. But it still really translated so well because we have so much love and respect for each other. I’m glad that people find it funny.     Bella Books: I love a good, awkward queer. And, Natasha, Claire is gifted with an abundance of awkwardness. And you were talking about how people say, “Oh, man, I relate to that.” That is the thing I have heard more than anything. So many people really relate to Claire’s awkwardness around women. After playing somebody for so long who’s so steady and confident, what was it like to go in the complete opposite direction – so different from Carmilla? It seems like you’re having a blast. Natasha: Oh, I’m having so much fun. People often ask, for both of us actually, if these characters are outside of our comfort zones. We have to say no. As actors you get cast as a number of characters; it’s our job to play different characters. My typecasting is very much a Carmilla type, but Claire is so much closer to me in real life. It’s funny because when we wrote these characters we wanted to create women that people could relate to, but I didn’t set out thinking that those moments would be the relatable moments. I didn’t think, like, “I’m going to write this really relatable character.” I thought that I’m a weirdo and now I’m just going to write this weirdo character. I just kind of put it out into the universe, so it means a lot when people say they relate to it. For so long I’ve been really oversexualized in my roles, which I don’t mind. When I auditioned for Carmilla, people said, “Natasha could have chemistry with a rock.” That’s something I really leaned into for a large part of my twenties. In reality, I had a really awkward, hard time dating women, in particular. Men were easy. Men I knew how to figure out. I started dating men when I was super young, and I kind of knew how it all worked. But because there was almost something greater at stake for me, with women, I just had zero game. Annie: I really loved finishing every day on set and pulling Nat aside and just beaming because I really think she totally shines in this role. Natasha: I think that you shine in this role! Bella Books: I was going to say that you both shine. Annie: It was a real joy to see her play this character, and the whole time I was just grinning to myself being like, “Yep, yep. This is the good stuff.” Natasha: I’m so shocked by that.   Bella Books: I’ve been seeing a lot of young Canadian actors, particularly those that are queer or queer allies, making their own art. What do you think that is, and is that something that’s just really embraced in Canada? Annie: My hunch, or my initial reaction to that, would be that we have a great industry here in Canada, but it’s not the same as in the States. Natasha: Yeah, yeah. Annie: There’s sometimes a sense on our side of things that there’s not the kind of agency or heat oftentimes here. So, I think as an actor, especially when so much of your career, and the trajectory of how things are played out, is in the hands of other people, you can get bored very quickly. I just see a lot of people in Canada deciding to take matters into their own hands if other people aren’t going to be doing it around them. That’s how I feel personally. Natasha: Yeah, I think Annie said it so beautifully. Echoing what she said, I’m obviously such a supporter of the Canadian industry, but it is very different and there is a lack of roles and work. Canadians are less likely to take a chance on a new face. There’s also just less money here, so I think people are, as Annie said, taking matters into their own hands and creating the content they want to create. On the flip side, I do know that Canada provides a lot more government and financial support for digital than in the States. And I do know that there are a lot of grants and small independent production funds and opportunities. So, we’re really lucky in Canada in that regard. Because our film and TV industries are not quite as strong as America’s, I think the digital side has really seen that and ran with it. Annie: And as new creators and people starting out on the other side of the camera in development, it feels like a more accessible way to cut your teeth. Natasha: That being said, I think it’s important to note that we’re really grateful for the opportunity that the IPF provided for us as well. They’re such a great production fund for new creators and we wouldn’t be able to make the show without them. Annie: Hear, hear!     Bella Books: Tell us a little bit more about Nico and Xavier. We haven’t seen a lot of them yet, but from what we have seen they are as charming as all get out. Annie: You will see more of them, Dana. You will! Bella Books: I had a feeling we would. Natasha: What can we say? Bella Books: Or, you know what, you can talk about the actors, Sabryn Rock and Jsin Sasha. That would be great, too. They are also as charming as all get out. Annie: They certainly are. And I will say that both Sabryn and Jsin just rose to the occasion so beautifully. Shooting in digital is a super expedited schedule, and there’s a lot of material to cover. Again, we’re working in comedy with coverage. We were going really fast. It can be difficult for people if they haven’t worked in that way before, but they were fantastic to work with—so giving and funny. Natasha: They were so lovely, and without giving away too much, we do put them in some pretty ridiculous scenarios. So, they were real troopers. Real good sports. What’s exciting also is seeing how people are pleased with the way we cast. But when we auditioned them, they were truly the best people for the roles. What can we say about them though? I’d say Xavier is a very sensitive, poetic, artistic soul, and Nico is a really no bullshit kind of gal.     Bella Books: There are so many killer lines in the series. I was laughing so hard. I’m still dying over the Mary Floppins part. Do each of you have a favorite line or favorite little scene you wrote? Natasha: Actually, the scene where we do talk about our vaginas is one of my favorite scenes because it’s such a real moment. You have the characters close together. You have them bonding, and they’re just having this very matter-of-fact conversation. And when you actually look at the text, they’re saying some pretty ridiculous things. That’s also one of my favorite scenes because there are lines in that scene that all three writers wrote. It was such a collaborative scene.   Bella Books: Alright, I’ve got one more question for you. Natasha, what is something you admire about Annie? And, Annie, same question for you. Both: Oh my godddd. What? Oh no. Annie: Well, I could wax on… Natasha: …About me… Annie: About this lady’s complexity as a human being in myriad of wonderful virtues, but one of the first things that comes to mind, which I continually feel so fortunate to experience from Natasha and saw so much during the creative process in shooting this series, is that Natasha is such a huge champion and supporter of women in the industry. She really does a lot for other ladies, throwing support and shedding light on their other work. This can be a really cutthroat business, where there’s this horrible mentality of scarcity floating around. Natasha does her best and damnedest to combat that. It’s really beautiful to see, and it’s really inspiring. Natasha: Oh my god! That’s really nice. Well, how do I follow that? I think one of my favorite things about Annie is how openminded she is and how non-judgmental she is. Like, I sometimes have the tendency to be a little hot tempered. Wisdom just oozes out of you all the time, and you just have such a sense of maturity. Annie: You know, in university my roommates used to call me Grandmother Willow. And, I was, like, 19 at the time. Natasha: Absolutely, though! I think your ability to be calm and patient and grounded and rational during situations is so inspiring and really helpful when you’re working with someone as a co-creator but then also as a friend. You always give sage advice, but you’re never judgmental when you’re giving it, and that’s what I really like.   CLAIREvoyant airs on the KindaTV Youtube channel with new episodes premiering on Wednesdays at 7pm EST.   http://dlvr.it/QV4SpP

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Manga Review – Yuri Is My Job Vol. 1-5

Yuri is a genre deeply rooted in its history and traditions. Dating back over a century, many of the scenes and situations from early "Class S" literature still predominate Yuri titles today. Common elements include senpai-kohai relationships between a bright and cheerful younger girl and an older, more assertive upper-classman. The bonds between the two were not the romantic and sexual love of lesbian narratives, but more sate or "pure" relationships often devoid of lesbian identity or attraction. The presence of S elements ebbed and rose over the past century, but they experienced a surge at the end of the 20th century. Contemporary S literature dominated the Yuri scene for at least a decade, and even now, its effects are still seen in many works today.

Naturally, as with any genre that becomes too entrenched with tropes or clichés, Class S literature became the subject of parody, commentary, and deliberate defiance. And while numerous works have repeated, twisted, rejected, and exaggerated tropes, perhaps none have done so quite as masterfully or as enjoyably as Miman's Yuri Is My Job! The series uses S Yuri's ideas uniquely and masterfully weaves a narrative in and out of them with a layered setting and great characters. The constant balance between and integration of reference, humor, and a strong core narrative had me gleefully enthralled and thoughtfully pouring over every page. I ravenously consumed the series, not just because of the cute cakes and elegant young women, but because I was so invested in the story and intrigued by the manga's premise.

Breaking down every reference is far too daunting a task that frankly deserves its own dedicated article. Still, to briefly overview, Yuri Is My Job! is set primarily at a café themed after an all-girls mission school, Liebe Grils Academy. The servers of the café act as the elite students of the fictitious academy and offer outside visitors, patrons of the establishment, a glimpse into their forbidden world of elegance and sisterly love. The series follows high school student Hime after she starts working at Liebe after accidentally injuring the manager, Mai. The series takes off from there, with Hime participating in the various themed events and navigating challenging relationships with coworkers, including her hostile schwester, the upperclassman who mentors her, and, in the world of the café, partners her.

Yuri Is My Job! is much more enjoyable with an understanding of S literature and themes, as references can slip by readers otherwise. However, particularly after the first volume, the series opens up a little more with an overarching plot that dips in and out of the thematic S material. Even without a grasp of S tropes, readers can enjoy watching server Kanoko struggle with her hidden affection for Hime or get caught up in the excitement and scheming during a popularity competition between the staff.

Throughout the first five volumes, multiple shorter narratives, such as the cook getting sick or Hime learning how to serve guests, are interwoven with the overarching character and relationship-driven story. Although almost every character has plenty of time to shine and distinguish themselves, the main plot revolves around three characters, Hime, Yano, and Kanoko.

Hime, the protagonist, maintains a constant facade of the sweet and beloved princess. However, her adorable and charming act is just that, and only two people in her life know her secret, Yano, and Kanoko. Inside the café, Yano acts as Hime's "onee-sama", holding her close and praising her to the delight of Liebe's patrons. However, she is terse and often angry with the girl, unable to move beyond a misunderstanding in their shared past and her insecurities about Hime's true feelings. Kanoko however, acts as a foil to Yano. She relishes Hime's facade, specifically in that she is one of the few privy to the truth, and harbors an attraction to her; she hides these feelings rather than wear them on her sleeve as Yano does. The dynamic between these three drives much of the "action" in the manga.

The more I read Yuri Is My Job! The more I was able to see and appreciate the distinct patterns of storytelling and how the main plot is woven between three layers. The first, and most prominent, is inside the café, in a world dominated by S tropes. Here, characters play politics and plot against each other using their performance and the audience's reaction. For example, thinking how they will get votes for themselves or others during a contest, or else Hime acting cute and loving around Yano, forcing her to return the affection to maintain their roles as schewstern. Outside the fictional world of the café, elements of the story alternate between more grounded drama and thematic moments featuring Yuri tropes. Miman beautifully navigates the relationship between the plot and the parody, weaving a delightful story in and out of different classic Yuri scenarios.

Miman matches this creative story and setting with excellent artwork. Character designs are distinctive and well constructed. So much, that when characters say something "off-screen", a small sketch of their eyes and mouth in the speech bubble is more than sufficient to identify the speaker. Of course, the robust and developed personalities also assist here, as most lines are easily attributable thanks to solid writing and strong personality. The art also features very creative paneling, with almost every page having an entirely different layout. However, the order is still easy to follow and reads naturally.

Not only is the art pleasing to look at, but it also adds to the manga's setting and parody of Yuri tropes. Panels feature the girls holding each other in dramatic and literally flowery poses, like a shot straight out of Strawberry Panic, complete with a backdrop of lilies. Appropriately, these fantasy-inspired poses occur in the café, often to the pleasure of adoring patrons screaming in celebration (thus mirroring my reactions). Like the other Yuri tropes, these artistic presentations occasionally jump outside of the café in more emotional or poignant moments. However, in a few crucial scenes, those more related to the narrative when it steps outside the boundaries of Class S, feature more grounded, although still dramatic, art. A particular shot in Volume 4 where Kanoko confides her hidden feelings to her senior, Sumika, and is comforted, sticks out in my mind just for this reason. It is a perfect example of art assisting the themes of the narrative and changing to suit the situation.

Yuri Is My Job! focuses mainly on Class S style storytelling, and thus, while it has plenty of traditional Yuri imagery, there is a starkly limited amount of lesbian content. Sure, readers can enjoy a decent number of illustrations featuring girls holding each other in a dramatic pose, but this is the act put on for the cafe, which is copying the "practice" relationships of S literature, themselves devoid of lesbian attraction. It is an imitation of an imitation, not queer content. Of course, this is by design, but it does mean that if readers want a grounded lesbian romance, they will find the series lacking. A bit of lesbian content does exist, Kanoko's crush on Hime exists outside the boundaries of work and S tropes, a relationship told in a flashback was, at least to one of the characters, "real," and there are signs of an eventual romance. However, the lack of lesbian identity should not be a reason to avoid this excellent manga.

Yuri Is My Job! is one of the most brilliant and exciting Yuri works out there. The ways Miman plays with the tropes and expectations of the genre are hilarious, complex, and exceptionally compelling. The characters are exciting and watching their stories weave through different classic Yuri scenes and tropes is as breathtaking as it is enjoyable. My sincere thanks to Diana Taylor, and Jennifer Skarupa and editor Haruko Hashimoto, for so deftly translating this series and preserving the S ties. I cannot wait to visit the students, or rather employees, of Liebe Girls Academy, in Volume 6.

Ratings: Story – 10 Characters – 8 Art – 9 LGBTQ – 3 (Yuri 10) Sexual Content – 1 Final – 9

Review copies provided by Kodansha Comics

Get Yuri Is My Job! digitally and in paperback today: https://amzn.to/3gNNeRt

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[4rtmorelikef4rt]

Animation Artists/ Bibliography

Artists

Mickalene Thomas

Mickalene Thomas is a multimedia artist that transforms her photography and collages into large scale paintings. She is known for her use of rhinestones, wood paneling, bright colors and 70s patterns and motifs that makeup the elaborate fabrication of her subjects and the constructed interiors in which her subjects are placed. Her representation of black women brings a nuanced perspective to the understanding of the black feminie experience, by placing her subjects in provocative positions that demand the viewer's attention. As someone interested in the combination of the digital and analog, I have enjoyed studying her image making process that begins with shooting her models in a studio, collaging the photographs, and finally making large scale mixed media paintings from the work. Collage-making and mixed media practice has inspired my animations, such as the ‘It Comes Unadorned’ gof series that incorporates my painting and analog drawings with found images and text.

Jessica Wheeler (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v31TAQSUDYo )

Jessica Wheeler is a filmmaker based in Manchester and creates work with the intentions of finding new ways to look at the queer experience through the combination of collage and digital animation. I found her work Euphorbia, when looking for ways to animate collages. The piece uses cut collage and stop motion animation to create an internal exploration of sexuality. I am drawn to the way that she is able to make such a fluid, captivating scene that unravels before the viewer's eye. Her use of symbolic imagery as well is very powerful and something appreciate in artwork that has such an intimate an personal concept

Sonda Perry

Sondra Perry is an interdisciplinary artist who works with video and computer based media. The themes within her work include blackness, African American heritage, the representation of black people centering on the way blackness influences technology and image making. She is also very big on net neutrality and making sure there is equal access to the internet and especially her work. She implements this care by using open software to edit her work and makes her projects available online for free. The use of technology for her installations creates an interesting between human nature and the digital world. Often using her own personal experiences with race and melding with digital work such as 3d renderings, Perry is able to express racial inequalities through a medium that is often withheld and inaccessible from Black people. Her piece Black Girl As A Landscape is a single-channel video, where in a camera pans slowly across the silhouetted body of a horizontally framed figure as she approaches or distances herself from the lens. As the camera zooms in we see the details of her fabric and and the eyes begin the piece through as the whites of the eyes contrast against the dark silhouette.

I am inspired by the experimentalism in film, the use of technology based methods to discuss the black experience and chronicle it from a woman's perspective.

Carrie Mae Weems

Carrie Mae Weems legacy as a contemporary artist working with photography, installation video, and print work. I have drawn inspiration from her Kitchen Table Series, a series that deeply resonates with me. Weems' series of self portraits sitting at her kitchen table while different life scenarios take place around her, featuring family members, lovers, friends and the most poignant ones only featuring herself, explores the representation black relationships and self, that I am working towards developing my work themes.

Kehinde Wiley

Kehide Wiley is an American portrait artist known for his naturalistic paintings of Africam Americans painted in the style of Old Master portraits. I have examined his work in my Fabrication as Race class and focused on how his representation of black people in a notable european art style draws to the forefront examinations of black representation and self perception. Similar to the way that Mickalene Thomas paints her subjects in positions of reclined nude women popular in european history. I have seen a few of his paintings in real life including Philip the Fair, 2006 in The Mint Museum in Charlotte, North Carolina and his 2018 portrait of President Obama in the National Portrait Gallery. His use of bold colors and patterned backgrounds draws the viewer's attention and is a way that he is able to extend the subject's identity through a decorative design.

Articles

Mickalene Thomas: Afro-Kitsch and the Queering of Blackness I have been studying multimedia artist Mickalene Thomas’s large collage acrylic paintings and her representation of assured black women from a feminist lense. This essay written by visual culture theorist, Derek Conrad Murray deconstructs the ways that Thomas’s identity as queer black woman, informs the ways that she portrays her female subjects and complicates the understanding of the black experience as it is perceived through the post-black art movement. The essay positions Thomas’s work within the greater post-black contemporary art movement, a movement that “articulates the frustrations of young African American artists (the post–civil rights generation) around notions of identity and belonging they perceive to be stifling, reductive, and exclusionary” (Murray). The essay analyzes a few of Thomas’s pieces and evaluates its effectiveness in reimagining black female subjectivity.

The Vasulka Effect ( https://sagafilm.is/film/the-vasulka-effect/ )

Watching the Vasulka Effect, I was intrigued by the couple's approach to video making and their role in creating a movement for new media art in the 1970s. As an individual interested in the music and art culture of the 70s, I was entertained by the name dropping of the artists that the Vasulka’s worked with. From Miles Davis, the Rolling Stones, and Jimi Hendrix, I admired the documentary work that went with bringing a new visual element to understanding music during this time. Their involvement with the drag community was also fascinating as I was able to see the connection made between experimental art making and underground communities. I think this also speaks to the use of the video medium as an effective tool to tell and showcase marginalized stories in an artistic manner. The way that Steina and Woody work with their video projects emphasizes the importance of collaboration. Their works are experiments, testing how to make sound information into a moving image. They attempt to make something that can not be seen visible, calling attention to how limited our senses are. One thing I loved about their process that Steina mentioned was how the two artists seemed to always “be playing around” and trying new alternatives to working with technology..

Petra Meyer and Katrin Kaschadt, “William Kentridge, Overvloed”

South African artist, William Kentridge's work features short animations made from large scale drawings using mainly back charcoal complimented by color pastel chalks. He is known for his technique that involves erasing, and changing parts of the drawn image and reworking the same frame. Leaving in the erasure marks visible through the process making the transformation of the image an integral part of the animation as a whole. “The animation comes into being therefore, by addition and subtraction, creation, and destruction” (Meyer, Kaschadt). Through this process, the markings and leftover tracings of the image become part of the animation and contribute to the artist's celebration of the imperfect relationship people have with change. His work was a rejection of the modernist aesthetics that placed importance on clean and “pure” work. His process and attention to the shadows reminds me of something that happens in printmaking called "ghost shadows”. These are images that are left behind on a plate or printing material and leave a light image behind on the new print. While there are ways to get rid of these and make sure they do not appear, some decide to keep them as part of their new print. I think the intentional use of these shadows and past images in work is very interesting and brings more texture and depth into the work when the marks left behind become as important as the blackest mark on the page. His work illustrates the relationship between South Africa's socio-political condition and history and the relationship between the individual and their landscape. .

[polyrolemodels]

Poly Role Models: Educator Tracey Brown

PolyRoleModels: Thank you for coming out and participating with Poly Role Models. Would you like to introduce yourself?

Tracey Brown: Yes. I want to say thank you, first of all, for being flexible and being willing to do a video interview because of my beliefs. My name is Tracey Brown. I run the Queer Womin of Poly, Queer Womin of Color Poly on Facebook. It's a private group. I'm also a board member of REF, the Relationship Equality Foundation. I've spoken a few different times at Atlanta Poly Weekend and other conferences.

PolyRoleModels: Atlanta Poly Weekend is where I was lucky enough to meet you and make your acquaintance.

Tracey Brown: I know! Black actors!

PolyRoleModels: Black actors, man! All right. Let's get right to it. How long have you been polyamorous, or been practicing polyamory?

Tracey Brown: That's a really hard question for me. It depends on how you define how long have you been polyamorous. For me, personally, that's like asking me for how long I've been black. I've always been black, so I've always been poly. My poly identity is very tied to my black identity. If you want to say when I came out as polyamorous, I actually had a come out, go back in the closet, come out kind of experience, which I think a lot of people do.

When I was about 19, I got into my first really serious poly relationship. It was when I was an undergrad student at the University of Hawaii. That was, I had a very, unlike many people, healthy first relationship. In terms of me being poly, in general, I feel like my black identity and the decolonization process in which I go through personally, and with my community, I can't strip away my poly identity from that because people of color had been doing polyamory before we even started really talking about it in mainstream white culture.

Those two things, for me, are so tied together that when people ask me, "When did you come out as poly?", I'm always like, "Well, I'm black. Part of me reclaiming my blackness is, a part of that is reclaiming polyamory."

PolyRoleModels: All right. What does your relationship dynamic currently look like?

Tracey Brown: Right now, I have a lover. I have one lover. Then, I have kink and play partners. Then, I have a lot of very close, intimate friendships. Most of them non-sexual. I base my poly identity more off of what people would call, they call it relationship anarchy. I just call it like my life in the scene of The Color Purple, which I'll explain later. For me, that's my dynamic right now, is pretty much how it looks. I don't know. To say what my poly dynamic is, is also really hard. Again, it goes back to me being a queer poly woman of color, where I see my relationships as so deep and integral. Black women, especially in this country, have had very close intimate relationships with each other for a long time, and very intimate relationships. That's the way we've managed to survive. Most people would look at those relationships and define them as polyamorous, in modern-day times. For me, it's like, my relationship dynamic is, I have a lot of relationships because a lot of people I would include in my poly identity and in my poly network.

PolyRoleModels: What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Tracey Brown: I think that I don't like to really say that I excel at anything, really. As a person, as a human being, you don't really stop growing. If you say like, "Oh, I excel at something. I'm great at it. I'm awesome at it," you're kind of giving that attention that somehow you're finished growing. It's a lifelong journey in growing and learning. I wouldn't say that I excel at anything in particular. I always have more room to grow and learn.

The only insight I could really give to that is what other people have told me that I've had healthy relationships with. Most people tell me that they really appreciated me being, my intersectionality and my poly identity and communicating that. Also, connecting with people on multiple levels and not stripping away, not just looking at a person as, "Oh, you're just queer," or, you're just black, like looking at all the layers of a person and recognizing that that's going to be in every single moment of our interactions together. Anti-racism is going to be a part of our every single day. Anti-transphobia, all that stuff, is going to be in every form of our communication. From what I've gotten from other partners that they like that about me. They like that I'm constantly like, "We can't just talk about polyamory. We've got to talk about all of it. It's all interconnected. It's all, nothing is living inside of a vacuum."

PolyRoleModels: I feel that. I'm the same way. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with, though?

Tracey Brown: Honestly, I would say I struggle with communicating my own needs and boundaries. I think part of that comes from me as a trauma survivor, but me as a person of color, especially a black woman, I have generational trauma, and being a black woman in this country. I've been, unfortunately, colonized to not speak my needs and my wants. Black women are kind of taught to be natural caregivers, forcibly or un-forcibly and a lot of emotional labor. I think that's something that I still struggle with in relationships, is that my automatic response is to kind of be like, "What will make you happy? What can I do to make you happy?" That's not healthy in a lot of ways. That means that I'll go back on something, or I'll just kind of go with that person once.

I try to work hard on that by doing a lot of mental health work, going to therapy, taking my medication, as a person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and really pushing myself to overcome it as best that I can, and try to be better at expressing my needs and my boundaries. That can cause conflict in a relationship, when those things aren't made.

PolyRoleModels: The next question is, how do address or overcome those struggles. You kind of just answered that.

Tracey Brown: I mean, I can elaborate on it. I think that mental health is something that's not really talked about in a healthy way in the overall white poly community. I hear a lot of people say things like, "Oh, well. If you don't want to get involved with someone with mental health issues, that's fine. That's okay. That's your poly boundary." I've always pushed against that because I see it as all people of color have trauma. All people of color struggle with trauma and in a way have what's called Generational Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't want to be with somebody that's got a mental health issue is literally to say, I don't want to be with people of color. If you're going to be with a person of color, we're going to have some kind of strife and struggle and mental health stuff going on, even if we haven't had stereotypical trauma in our experience.

All that to say is that one of the ways that I try to go against that is; 1. Doing talks about it and bringing it up, bringing up mental health. Sometimes, fighting for something can be very healing in itself, fighting for that visibility. Then, also, doing a lot of digging into myself and looking at myself and being critical of myself and doing self-work. I'm all down for self-care, but self-work is supposed to be hard. You're supposed to struggle with it. It's not going to be pleasant. It's like when a baby grows some teeth. That hurts. You know, they're not happy about it, but they need those teeth to eat food. For me, it's like I'll push myself really hard to do that. Also, helping other QTPOC with those struggles of not letting themselves be oppressed in relationships where there are these complicated power dynamics.

PolyRoleModels: In terms of risk-aware, or safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Tracey Brown: I mean, currently, right now, stereotypically, I don't have a sexual, sexual partner. I mean, I have like a consistent sexual partner. Overall, my rules tend to be pretty much, I always wear gloves. I don't go down on anybody that I don't feel a really strong connection with. If I'm in a relationship with someone, and I start dating someone else, any sort of fluid bonding that happens, I'm always going to inform that person of that. I also try to make it a point between me and my partner to get tested every 6 months to a year. If we do have a new sexual partner, getting tested 3 months prior to the last sexual activity with that person. Most people don't realize that there's a 3 month window where even STIs aren't detected.

There's also a lot of mythology in the poly community, as well as the queer community that queer people, especially queer women, can't pass things onto each other. That's not true. We can pass bacterial vaginosis to each other, HPV, trich, gonorrhea, all those things could still be passed. For me, wearing protection like a glove and saying I'm not going to go down on you is respecting my body and respecting that person's body. Honestly, just having a lot of communication. For me, that's really the key of it.

Granted, I've been in abusive relationships. I was in a really abusive relationship with a narcissistic abuser. All those precautions kind of go out the window because you're dealing with somebody who's lying to you all the time. In general, that's what I try to do, is wear gloves, and be mindful of fluid bonding and when I have a partner that I'm fluid bonded with, if I see that I'm getting serious with somebody and want to fluid bond with them, I inform that person and we have a discussion about it.

PolyRoleModels: What is the worst mistake you've made in your polyamorous history, and how did you rebound from that?

Tracey Brown: The reality is, is that we all continually make mistakes. If you're in a place in your poly identity where you don't make mistakes anymore, you're a liar. We're always going to make mistakes. It's a human flaw and that's what we do. I would say that there have honestly been like multiple mistakes that I've made that I'm not proud of. I most definitely reflect on them daily. The one major one that I'll give was a few years back. I was already out as poly. I was in a relationship with someone who was pretty much monogamous. We were friends first. They knew I was poly and everything and we got involved. A lot of issues with their insecurities and stuff like that, of me being poly, came up. To remedy that, I decided to be like, "Okay. Well, we'll do a hierarchy. You can have veto power," even though I knew I was more a relationship anarchist, even though I knew that's not how I operated. I didn't want them to feel bad about themselves or that they were less than.

We fought and we had issues that were outside of polyamory, because sometimes, a lot of times relationships have issues that have nothing to do with being poly. Instead of dealing with them, I became resentful. Through my resentment I rushed into a relationship with someone that I barely knew, who actually wound up becoming, who was a narcissistic abuser. I actually wound up being in a narcissistically abusive relationship with them for like 3 years. The relationship started deteriorating. The new partner, who I barely knew, and my other partner were constantly fighting. It was like a tug of war between the two of them, a lot of passive-aggressive behaviors. Me, just not taking care of myself mental health-wise enough, and also not being brave enough to be like, "You know what? I'm just going to end it with both of y’all because this is not healthy for me. This isn't healthy for y’all."

Instead of me doing that, I just sat back and just was like, "Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's burning and I don't know what to do. I probably should put water on it, but it's burning and I'm freaking out." Things just got progressively worse and worse and worse. Eventually, wind up happening was that I broke up with the original partner that I had. I did it in a really ugly and sad way, just really was like angry and upset with myself. I did it and I really, I had so many mixed feelings about it. I tried to make amends. I tried to fix things and communicate.

By this point, so much damage had been done. I was also in a relationship with two other women of color. They both had trauma. All of us had unchecked trauma. It was just like the perfect storm for shit to go wrong. The reality was, was that, looking back, it had little to do with polyamory and more to do with just the vicious dynamics that were happening, just people, me not being honest with myself and not being brave enough to stand up and be like, "Okay. This needs to stop and it's not okay," and just letting myself be a punk about it and not saying nothing. Also, letting someone who was a narcissistic abuser into the dynamic and just kind of freaking out and really letting myself down and letting my friends down. Like I said, I have really close emotional relationships with friends. It just kind of consistently deteriorated.

Even though I tried to be accountable and make amends for it, there was really nothing I could do to fix that, absolve that. The only thing I really could do was remind myself that I can't control the actions of others, but I could control my own actions. I think about it every day. I don't let myself forget that mistake. People will be like, "Oh, you've got to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made." I can hold them accountable for the mistake that they made, individually. The reality is I also have to be accountable for the huge mistakes that I made, and remind myself every day. "This is what you did wrong. This is how you were not being the person that you're supposed to hold yourself to." And look really hard and really aggressively into myself and going to therapy and being like, "I fucked up and this is what I did. I need to make sure that I never, ever do the behaviors I did, the things I could control, ever, ever again."

I don't think there's a rebound for something like that. I think the rebound is to, when you do a mistake, to never forget it and live the rest of your life analyzing it, picking it apart, and making sure you hold yourself accountable to your failed behaviors.

PolyRoleModels: I think that's a legit approach.

Tracey Brown: People might say that's really harsh. It's more effective, honestly, instead of saying like, "Oh, I'm innocent. Oh, I didn't do anything wrong." I was in an abusive relationship and I can easily say like that person was the abuser and I was the victim. I also have to look inside of myself of what let me keep this person in my life and what pain was I not dealing with to let this keep occurring. I just, honestly, there is no rebound from it. It's just, it's thinking about it every day, not letting myself forget it.

PolyRoleModels: All right. Now, the next question is about self-identities, but I feel like you answered that in every question.

Tracey Brown: Yes. I mean like queer, and then, for me, queer, I feel like I lack the words that I need because I speak the language of my oppressors. This language is limited. It is gender binary, it is sexually binary. It is so limited, that it unfortunately does not afford me the language that I need to express my truest identities. Using my oppressors' language, the only identities that I can kind of connect with are queer, which, again, I feel like as a black woman, that's just a part of my heritage. I just feel like that's just a part of my heritage, especially after so much research that I've done and so many things that I've read about, pre-colonial black culture and African cultures and stuff. For me being queer is also reclaiming parts of my black identity and taking that away from our oppressor. Homophobia, transphobia, all of those things were introduced by colonization. They did not exist prior to that, and those kind of hatreds.

Being black, for me, is like being part of the black diaspora, saying that like, I don't have a home, but I'm a part of a people that created a home inside of ourselves and as a community. I identify as a woman with an eye. So, W-O-M-I-N, which is also how I spell woman in my Queer or Poly Womin of Color group, is with an I. Part of that has to do with me rejecting the gender binary, that also came as a part of colonization and of white supremacy. Spelling it with a Y for me is like, again, it all goes back to reclaiming my black identity, reclaiming our black identity. Relationship anarchist, again. That's the best words I got with this language. I'm limited. I'm limited with this language.

PolyRoleModels: Yes. I know what you mean.

Tracey Brown: Those would be like probably the identities that are most important to me, in terms of what most people would ask you, like, "What are your identity." Obviously, as a black woman, I have multiple identities. I'm a sister. I'm a cousin. A brother to some people. I'm a comrade to others. There's so many layered identities just within the word black. There's 18 million identities. It would be like a long, long list.

PolyRoleModels: Wrapping up with, do you have any groups, websites, blogs, anything that you're involved in that you want to promote?

Tracey Brown: I think that it's really important to have more resources out there for queer or trans people of color. We're erased and left on the fringes in the poly community. There is this myth that most poly people are white. That is not true. That is a false myth. It's just that a lot of us may not necessarily call ourselves poly. With that in mind, I created a Facebook Group called Queer Poly Womin of Color it's spelled woman with an I. You can't look it up on Facebook. The group is only for queer women of color. We do have gender variant people in our group, again, spelled with an I. We have gender non-conforming people. We have people that are trans in our group, non-binary, androgynous and all the different genders that go in between that. It's a safe haven and support group, really, for women of color.

It's most definitely not a pick up group. For anybody that's looking at this, it's not a group to be like, "Oh, let's hook up." It's a group where we really share very deep, layered struggles that we're going through in order to get support from each other. I post videos on there pretty consistently about various different topics that the group brings us and asks me to talk about. I look and hunt for resources for the group. We really do talk about a lot of heavy, private things. It is a safe group. It is a private group. If you click join, you get vetted. I have to make, for the safety of the group, I'm very hardcore about the safety of the group. It's also to note, part of the reason it's not, it's against the group's rules to be hook up, is because of the historical sexualization of women of color. That's why it's an anti-hook up style group.

PolyRoleModels: Fair. Fair. Thank you, again, so much for taking the time and being a part of Poly Role Models.

Tracey Brown: All right. Yes. No problem.

PolyRoleModels: All right. Have a good night.

Tracey Brown: All right. You too.

—

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at  https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

[seraidan]

Today is Transgender Day of Visibility! 😊👏 That in itself is a joy, but also a chance to talk about some serious topics. I am visible because I have that luxury, and I am loud about it because I want to show up for those who can’t. Trust me when I say it’s not what I would prefer to talk about all the time, but in the world we live in now, it’s imperative that we talk candidly about these things for as long as misconceptions and problems remain. In the spirit of this, I wanted to leave you with some facts. • transgender and gender non-conforming people have existed since the beginning of time. Queer history is usually the history they leave out in school. • transgender people form a diverse community, one filled with people from many different experiences, cultures, skin colors, sexualities, creeds, expressions, amongst other things. • the rate of suicide attempts for American trans people is a staggering 41%, towering over the 4.6% overall U.S. population reporting suicide attempts. This does not account for those who were successful on either end. • trans women of color are at the biggest risk of facing violence. • laws protecting or alienating transgender people vary widely based on location. • despite the common, tired narrative of the Generally Unhappy Trans Person™, it is so very possible to live a happy, successful, fulfilling life if you are a transgender individual. • trans men are undeniably men (do I really have to spell this out?) • trans women are undeniably women. • there are many cultures that recognize more than two genders (for example, the fa'afafine of Samoa have been recognized as a third gender since at least the early 20th century, and they play an integral role in Samoan society). I could go on for ages, but I won’t. Personally, this means so much to me simply because I would be long dead if not for my own visibility. I don’t mean that as a downer, but it’s important to speak the truth. Things improve by inches. Though it doesn’t always start out well, life can be very good. Now, I have a (mostly) supportive family, a few great friends, and a fantastic boyfriend. ❤ I’m happy I’m here today to enjoy this moment. ☺ #tdov

[qualapec]

Favorite characters meme

@myheartgoesswimming tagged me in this!

“Post 10 of your favorite characters from different fandoms, in no particular order, and tag 10 people [if you want!] “

I’m a JERK who can’t help but rank my favorite characters,

Favorite male characters:

1. Jacob Frye Jacob had an absolutely unprecedented climb up my favorite characters list. He went from being this butch asshole in the trailers for AC:S to...I LOVE MY BI SON??? I don’t think I’ve purely identified with a character so much since Marian Hawke in DAII when I was a closeted 18 year old who didn’t think I’d ever come out. Like, I’m ultimately not too protective of my favorite dudes--I look at my list and I’m like, yeah, this is mostly garbage. Jacob is the one dude character who I have actually cried over people saying shit about him (I casually call Jacob garbage a lot, but not too long ago a good friend said “yeah, he fucks up everything. really everyone would be better off without him” and I cried harder than I thought I would).

I identify with Jacob because he’s a giant ADHD bisexual who messes up literally everything he does but still tries the best he can to be a good person and he’s someone who still legitimately cares about people who have hurt him deeply. At the same time, he’s not a queer character that wants to fully integrate with society either. He’s funny and loves his sister and she’s a better Assassin than he is. He’s a good person but his queerness isn’t clean--it’s rough and it hurts and it damages his relationships and it’s so real to me.

I’ve never felt happier about being bi and not totally good at things than the months after AC:S came out and Jacob was announced as canonically bisexual. Before that I’d been struggling a lot with the lesbians v. bi women thing, and Jacob just made me feel so good about myself and so hopeful. I love Jacob Frye.

2. Johannes Cabal I have never been more right about a character’s ultimate arc than I was with Cabal. He’s been on my list of faves for years, but the fifth book jettisoned him into second place among the guys. If he were canonically queer he and Jacob would probably be tied tbqh. I love this horrible man. I love his arc. Anyone who wants to write villains with a redemption should read these books. SPOILERS but I love how his arc isn’t about accepting things the way they are re: death. He never accepts the Bible, never goes to confession and gets his sins forgiven. He never gives up his desire for things to be changed and for the unfairness/injustice of death to be righted and his disbelief in religion as a savior. He never gives up his arrogance. He’s still really smart.

But by the end, he becomes a human who is worthy of having friends and is capable of doing the right thing and that means so much to me. I expected a giant Thing at the end where he did something truly villainous to show that he was Always That Way and Always Would Be, but it never happened. He slowly defeated evil within himself without even knowing it, and that matters to me.

END SPOILERS. The second trash wizard I ever fell in love with.

3. Loki (MCU). Oh, Loki. My queer rage analogue.

Some context: I saw Thor (2011) when my family was falling apart. I was mad, so mad. That scene when Loki confronts Odin was so profound to me--I read it as a coming out scene, and I know a lot of other queer folks did, too.

I’ve known I was bi since Dragon Age II, as dumb as that sounds. When I wanted nothing more than to romance both a dude and a lady. BUT I had planned to bury it. It was easier to just date men, so why not? When Loki was revealed as Canonically Bisexual, that was really when the word clicked for me. That was the moment I think I knew that word was truly inescapable for me.

Whoo boy. That scene in the Avengers when he shows up after creating a portal with the Tesseract and intends to tear the world apart...that’s the moment I realized how queer and angry I was. I was closeted and wanted to burn it ALL down. He would either win or be destroyed, and the fantasy of burning as I was was so satisfying to me--either way he was going to die as himself. I was sitting in the theatre and that was when I knew I had no choice but to come out. I was afraid. Anger was an easier feeling to have.

Loki. My reminder that I’ll take a queer villain over a Perfect Queer (TM) every day of the week and also for the rest of my life--I will never, ever care about a Perfect Queer, because that’s not what I am, that’s not the family I come from, that’s not the reality of my health or what I aspire to be. That rage gave me the courage to come out, and tbqh it gives me strength now.

4. Harry Dresden Harry is Trash Wizard Prime. I discovered him during a time when men were an absolute mystery to me--I didn’t grow up with many (any) good male role models. As a bi teenager, I started to notice men because that’s the thing girls attracted to men were socially supposed to do, and I realized I didn’t understand them.

I saw the cover for Dead Beat in a Barnes & Noble and I picked it up. He looked so dashing, so rogueish. And this chaotic good motherfucker is that. He cares about people and wants to do the best he can with his gift, even if he is imperfect, and that spoke to me as a teenager so much.

He was a male character who I felt safe with. Society hated him for his gift, and sometimes did its best to destroy him even while he was trying to be good (which, in retrospect, is one reason why I associate mages/wizards/witches with queerness). I felt like he was a man who would protect me as a girl who, at that time, thought of myself as het but who was very afraid of men (L O L. LOL. L      O       L. Biggest joke ever) and who had experienced trauma at male hands.

I felt deeply betrayed when, after Changes, he had intrusive thoughts about raping the women around him.

I don’t quite have words for how much that hurt. Cabal was never misogynist in quite that way, and Loki is a virulent misogynist, but in a way that strikes me as very real for some queer men (not okay, but A Thing That Actually Happens). And as someone with OCD who experiences damaging intrusive thoughts myself, I feel like should have understood.

I felt really betrayed when Harry’s character took that direction. It caught me by surprise. It was actually triggering for me--the message I got was “every man will hurt you” and I’ve spent years trying to unlearn that. I remember shaking after a certain chapter of the book after Changes. I remember thinking that Men Will Always Hurt Me if Harry would.

Recent books revealed it was the result of a demon in his head...but it still hurt a lot. I discovered those books when I needed a man to look up to, and I still feel like that trust was betrayed.

I wouldn’t really recommend The Dresden Files to any of my friends now--I still want them to read them to understand a very formative text for me. I love Harry Dresden. He is part of what made me, of what defined my morality. I love him. I want him to be part of a better story.

Also I will be 100% honest and say that his super cis straight dude descriptions of wanting to sleep with women really spoke to me as a young queer chick. I was really into “vagazzled” btw.

5. Cullen Rutherford WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE OUTLIER.

Cullen has that Captain America vibe I usually can’t stand. He’s super lawful good and even upholds laws that he shouldn’t.

He’s also a drug addict who was deeply traumatized and needs his girlfriend to function (an ongoing theme with me). Even his very oppressive anger makes sense to me. It sucks, but I get it. That’s valid.

Also, I really hate it when people say his character arc made no sense. I’m sorry, those people flat out don’t understand narrative or think characters can escape their original packaging. Spoiler; that’s not an ‘arc’. Characters change, deal with it.

I think one thing I love about Cullen is that he was really, really tailored for women who are interested in men (note: not just Straight Women).

I think one of the biggest things for me is that he’ll do anything for the Inquisitor (his girlfriend). He was SUPPOSED to be bi via leaks from the company that made the game (if that was canon he’d be much higher on this list). But it does ultimately matter a lot to me that he was so specifically tailored to be a fantasy for women who are interested in men. He loves her. He will do almost anything for her. She helps him get over a serious addiction. Cullen taught (my bi/poly ass) about m/f narratives that I needed.

I guess I have a Thing for men who really need the women in their lives. Cullen gets the girlfriend role, and all the trauma that only men are usually allowed to have.

Honorable mentions:

Victor and Yuuri from Yuri on Ice. (If they had more canonical trauma, they would have lettered, and they may in the future. I love that Literally Wearing a Bi Flag Victor is a garbage human being who doesn’t understand feelings but still loves is boyfriend and doesn’t want that relationship to end. I love how Yuuri is an anxious gay baby.) Albert Wesker, a truly fine villain who was not done justice by those movies. Ned Wynert, who taught me a lot about writing characters from marginalized groups I am not a part of.

Favorite lady characters: 1. Marian Hawke. I almost don’t have words for how deeply formative Hawke is to me. She changed my life. I know she can be a different person no matter who plays her, but I think the things I fundamentally love about her are somehow universal.

For context on Marian Hawke--I was 18 and deeply closeted when I played DAII for the first time. I had committed to “never coming out” because I thought it would make my mom sad. I remember sitting in the uni library and thinking about Hawke and how bi aka queer (ADDITIONALLY poly) I was and I regret how that was the moment I decided I would only date men because it would be easier. That didn’t last. I didn’t know how much that would tear me up inside.

Hawke was the first gateway to my sexuality, but I thought I could avoid her message.  I knew I wanted to date both men and women.

Hawke herself is...me. Granted, you can control some of her actions as the player, but she still fucks up in a lot of the same ways no matter which version of her you play. She still tries to do the best she can (sometimes that’s a lot, sometimes not a lot, sometimes it’s oppressive). She cares. I can’t remember if she or Cabal came into the Trash Wizard (or trash mage) #2 slot, but she’s right up there on my fave trash magician list.

Because she’s so deeply formative, she’s another character I can’t be rational about. I HATE with every fiber of my being that she’s not static/unchangeable. I partly hate dude!Hawke so much because there are no female characters like my take on Marian that even EXIST. Soft butch, bi, diplomatic, kinda funny, kinda mad.

She tries her best, just like I think I do. She fails a lot, even when she means well. My Marian is bi as fuck. She changed my life. I don’t know who I would be without her (I mean, probably still bi as fuck, but still). I love Marian Hawke.

2. Evie Frye. I’ll just say it: Evie Frye fixed my ability to write female characters.

I was feeling a lot of pressure from other female writers (sadly, even particularly other queer women) to write WOMEN’S NARRATIVES. I felt like those had to be about rape and weakness and strength in spite of that. THAT IS A NARRATIVE THAT MATTERS, however I either struggle to identify with it, or I over-identify with it and I’m afraid to walk to my car.

Evie isn’t that.

She’s perhaps the greatest Assassin in history, short of Altair or Ezio, who made the brotherhood what it is. She lives and breathes that tradition. She’s most powerful when she is unseen, and in that way, I always feel safe with her. She’s the rightful heir to the entire series, so I feel like she will always be safe.

I learned so much about how to write myself and what I wanted and what I think a lot of other women want even if it’s not part of The Discourse, through Evie Frye. She defies stereotypes about what it means to be “woman”. She’s treated no worse than Jacob by the narrative, and she’s arguably treated as the inheritor of the Assassin tradition and like her skills matter just a bit more. The narrative could do without Jacob (as much as I love him) but it couldn’t do without Evie. She’s just as powerful as he is.

That we get to see her as both a new adult and a middle aged women is extra important. The fact that she spends her later narrative hunting one of the most virulent men in history (Jack the Ripper) means a lot to me. She is most powerful in her prime, while Jacob burns out later on, and that ALSO matters a lot to me. Shitty men are afraid of her, not the other way around. There’s no narrative where she lets the think they could rape her to win; she just wins. (Again, nothing wrong with female characters who use their femininity that way, but Evie just kills those fuckers, and that’s what I need in my life of believing in self defense).

I love her. She loves her husband, she loves her brother. She’s prim and proper and perfectly tailors her outfits and knows how to strike a killing blow. Evie is about a different kind of resistance than Jacob, but she’s still about resistance. She’s the first female character I’ve seen, in literal years, who is allowed to exist beyond her own femininity. She’s just allowed to exist and be really cool. Evie also means a lot to me.

3. Leonie Barrow This song really sums up Leonie Barrow for me. /They see you as small and helpless, they see you as just a child/ Surprise when they find out that a warrior will soon run wild/. She starts out as so?? Small?? compared to the overall narrative of the Cabal books, which are steeped in angels and gods and Lovecraftian abominations from whom the very foundations of the universe were forged. She’s the Innocent Girl at first. Her femininity, her innocence, does matter, but it’s not what I thought it would be. And by the end, she’s a shotgun wielding master detective, who Cabal CANONICALLY trusts to make the same logical decisions he would.

She is willing to kill to defend her friends even if she doesn’t like it. She will stand against the darkness and be afraid but she will smile.

She’s also almost /definitely/ canonically bi at the end of the fifth book, short of the actual word being used. It’s not a plot spoiler, but it gives me life either way. She’s not the girlfriend, she’s not the Woman, she’s something else and she matters in her own way. Her potential is limitless, and I’m inspired by her every single day. People talk about Stever Rogers as their human ideal, but I guess Leonie Barrow is my comfortable alternative.

Leonie Barrow saves people by her empathy--and she’s also willing to wield a shotgun. Outside of a magical girl narrative, she and Elizabeth DeWitt are the purest versions of the ‘weaponized femininity’ narrative I can think of.

4. Elizabeth DeWitt Oh, Elizabeth. I love her. I love her fucked up history. I love her fucked up present and her implied fucked up future. I wish she had a better ending. If I ever write fic, it will be to correct what has been done to her by canon.

Elizabeth is trying to escape her fate. Her ultimate arc may be about accepting a shitty end, but I don’t think that has to be the case, since I think so much of her story is about denying her future. Like her, I will always hope and strive for something better. She’s femme and hard and powerful and will break the world and make it whole again all with one wishing <3 .

She has the power of a god and the writers/developers/designers didn’t know how to handle that in an interesting way. I love her.

5. Talia (from Arrows of the Queen) SO

When you are reading about a clinically depressed character and you think, “I IDENTIFY WITH HER SO MUCH” that’s probably a sign. So many times, Talia tried to tell me how I was feeling, and it took me a very long time to listen.

I was easily clinically depressed when I read the Arrows of the Queen books. My uncle had just died without me coming out to him. I felt like a disappointment to my mom. My bachelors degree was on fire and it wasn’t totally my fault. There was nothing about myself that I didn’t deeply despise when I read these books, nothing that I didn’t feel the world would be better without. I didn’t want to die, since I have a very particular attachment to my mortality and no matter what, I’m attached to my life for my mom, but I felt so fundamentally worthless that it still hurts to think about. I haven’t been that low since then, and I hope to never be that low again.

I was depressed and I didn’t know it. I don’t think I was truly suicidal even then, even if I was experiencing almost daily suicidal ideation. I don’t think I would have died, but I still think Talia saved my life a little bit--she at least taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge my illness and seek treatment and that it’s okay to want to be happy. I’m so deeply grateful for that I don’t even have words for it, partly because, while I think I would have survived, I wouldn’t be happy.

Talia also got to fuck the most desirable male characters in the Arrows of the Queen trilogy. Even though she was quiet and was shy and was depressed. The message was this: I could have love even if I was mentally ill. I specify ‘male’ characters because Talia was straight, and also because a part of me feels less desirable to men than women, so that fantasy means a lot to me.

Talia is me at my most vulnerable. Talia is me when I want to reach into my own chest and tear myself apart. I love her. She matters. <3

Honorable mentions:

Pearl from Steven Universe (my favorite anxious lesbian, who got a great character arc that I never expected to be validating to both the lesbian-bi women dilemma and to her mental illness. I <3 Pearl). All the women in Overwatch. Sailor Moon and her soldiers. Tamora Pierce’s heroines. Lara Croft.

Tagging @swimthroughthefires @fakeandroid @doomquasar @amandaironic @strawberrylaugh @ghostofthemotif